2011.... Good Riddance!!

So, I've been out of the hospital for 9 days now.  I'm doing pretty well on pureed foods and protein shakes.  It's still difficult to get in 80 grams of protein a day, but I'm determined to make my minimum of 60 grams.  I still can't eat much, only about 1/4 cup at a time.  I have trouble remembering to eat.  Since I don't feel "hunger" anymore, I almost need a timer to remind me just to eat... Reminders to chew, chew, chew fly through my brain constantly.  I'm terrified of getting sick.  If I catch a cold or someone's little bug, then I might start to vomit again... Can't happen.  Won't happen.  Scares the bajeebies out of me.

On a positive note, I'm going into 2012 more than 100 lbs lighter and MUCH, much wiser.  I know more medical terms than most people my age.  I have experienced things that would have made a lesser person crumble.  I have taken medications that some of my friends would have LOVED to have...  heh.

Anyways, my plans for tonight are simple... I'm going to be on the couch, watching TV with the kids, and probably falling asleep before midnight.  I'm a party animal, I know.  I'm almost looking forward to the new year.  I'm hoping that it will bring health with it.  I miss my health.  Dammit.

Here's wishing you, my humble readers, health and happiness in the new year.  Happy 2012.

Fourth time's the charm.... Right?!?!

On December 20th I went into the hospital for my 4th surgery, a Gastro-Jejunostomy Revision.  Basically, I lost a bit more strictured stomach tissue (my real true "stomach tissue" is now a less than 1 1/2 x 3 centimeters band) and the surgeon rebuilt a small pouch for a "stomach" out of the small intestines.  I have 5 more laproscope incisions and another drain scar.  I have started back at square one.  My surgeon said to treat this operation like a brand new bypass.  For the next 2 days, I was given clear liquids and switched from IV pain meds to liquid pain meds. 

My followup gastrograffin test was cleared.  This was the first gastrograffin test that did not get stuck.  Went right through.  I am amazed.  I went home 2 days later, so far free of complications.

The liquids-only phase was a little rough, getting used to drinking again was a bit weird after being on IV nutrition for a while. 

Thankfully, I've moved on to purees without a problem.  My new tummy holds approximately 2oz and hasn't given me much of a problem yet.  My pain is still pretty bad now and then.  My surgeon tells me I'm "too stoic" and "hard to read"... he has become accustomed to me saying I'm fine and not meaning it.  I've gotten better about taking my pain meds when I'm supposed to.  I think part of my brain thinks I deserve to be in pain.  I did this to myself.  That's hard to get around sometimes...

I have been out of work since May.  Hopefully, I can go back by February.  I feel useless still.  I'm recovering from some major abdominal trauma, so i have to take it easy, but taking it easy is hard for me to accept still...

I've been out of commission on here alot since my desk chair hurts me.... dang abdominal pain...  But I made it.  I'm still here.  And 2012 HAS to be a better year...

Hey you! Pssssst!!

Just a quick update...  I'm finally starting to feel better so I figured I should post while I can..

I had a stricture that was relieved by a balloon EGD procedure on November 10th.  I was able to eat and drink pretty well for a few days... then the stricture started up again.  By the 18th, i was admitted back into the hospital, unable to eat or drink anything.  Two sips of water would bounce right back up.

I was given a barium swallow test to confirm that my stomach had completely shut.  Yep.

On November 22nd, another PICC IV line was installed into my left arm.  I was started on IV nutrition and monitored for a few days before the doc was confident enough to send me home in IV nutrition.  His plan was to schedule a surgery with an esophageal specialist as back-up since i had very little actual stomach tissue remaining.

Sooo.. I went home with the glorious task of setting up a 12 hour a day IV feeding schedule... I was discharged from the hospital on November 25th.  The day after Thanksgiving.  Yep.  I missed Thanksgiving with my family =(  I was in the hospital with a picture of a turkey taped to my TPN IV nutrition bag.
At home, I had an infusion specialist nurse visit me once a week to change my PICC line bandage, take bloodwork, and make sure my levels were all at a basic minimum.  My nurse was awesome.  My PICC line sucked.  IV nutrition for 12 hours a day sucked.  My surgery was scheduled for 10am on December 20th.  Oh great, I might miss Christmas, too...

So, for weeks I bummed around the house, toting a little black "discreet backpack" filled with a gallon bag of nutrition and a pump that made the cat freak out ( "pssssst...psssssst....pssssst"), with an IV line stuck to my left bicep.  I think I'll have a miniflashback everytime someone goes to get my attention...  Pssssst!

What is this "Food" I keep hearing about...Ooooh! This stuff!!!

So, the EGD on the 10th successfully (so far) opened my fully sealed stoma and i have the paperwork to prove it.  I have to go back on December 1st and have another done "just to make sure".... unless it closes before that...

Anyways, yesterday i actually ate, and retained, all kinds of things.  I almost made my 80g protein goal!!  Even the protein shakes are staying down!  I never thought I'd be excited about being able to have a protein shake...

I must say, the Celebrate Vitamins brand ENS shakes have been a lifesaver!  They're protein plus calcium plus multivites all in one!  Yay, less chewables during the day!!!  The cakebatter flavored ones are pretty good mixed up with 2% milk.  I haven't tried the chocolate ones, but they're sitting on my shelf, so today might be the test, it's almost time for me to make a shake.

I'm experimenting again with different protein shake add-ins.  Malted milk powder is good, so is PB2.  I'm rather disappointed that most of the sugar-free chocolate or caramel syrups are so full of sugar alcohols.  Blech!  I need to start getting different Torani syrups to try out, so far i just have the french vanilla....

Anywho, I'm going to go make a shake and get to tracking my foods for the day.  Do you use MyFitnessPal.com?  You should check it out.  Phone app FTW.  ...I sound like an advertisement today, huh?  LOL

Hrmmm... what do I feel like eating today? What tastes the same a few minutes later...

Blargh.  Hot tea stays down.  Cold water, nope.  Room temp water, sometimes.  Anything cold, nope.  Anything thicker than hot tea, nope...

And, in new developments, I now have a burning stabbing pain in my right abdomen, a little lower than where my PEJ incision is.  It's just a constant background pain right now, but every now and again it flares up to an eye-watering level. Yay...?

*bitch and moan* 

...yeah, I got nothing else besides complaints today.  I feel horrible all around.  Someone on the boards pointed out that I've lost a lot of weight already and someday I'll think this was all worth it.  No.  No, I won't.  This has sucked, and according to my surgeon, will continue to suck.  If i could go back in time, I would bitchslap myself out of that February informational seminar.

I have to go get an EGD scope with a balloon dilation in two days (the 10th).  I'm afraid they'll keep me in the hospital.  I'm horribly dehydrated and in quite a bit of pain..  Though, on the bright side, I only have to pee once a day... Is that a bright side?  Think of how much time you all waste in the bathroom.  Ha! Not me!

Enough complaining, I'm going to go drink the rest of my tea and try to keep it down.  That takes effort, can't multitask... Thanks for understanding  =)

What did you get for your birthday?!?! I got a new stricture!

Well, yesterday was my birthday. With no more tube, I can now happily sleep on my side, so I slept in a little late.  It was nice.  I made myself a fat-free, low sugar, icing-less cake that was delicious even after I threw my 1 inch square back up...

Since the tube came out, my stomach has become more and more unhappy.  I'm now averaging one surgery every 2 months since May.  It's about that time.  I can drink soup, water, and sometimes ice pops and iced tea.  Chunky soup comes back at me. Any food I need to chew comes back at me.  I do believe I'm strictured again.  AGAIN.

Enter scheduling department for EGD with balloon dilation number 6bajillion or something.  Going into the GI Lab at the hospital for my EGD on November 10th.  Hopefully THIS one will work and i wont need some other kind of fricking surgery so i can eat like a normal gastric patient.  I've given up hope on eating like a "normal person"... now I'm facing life not being able to eat.  Period. 

This makes me crazy.  It makes me angry and sad.  I am now on medication for both of these emotions. I cry and yell and wonder why the hell i ever started this.  I think that dog hates me, then i remember i'm not a dog owner, dyslexic, or religious.  None of the support groups have a section that i feel like i fit into.  I'm no longer a sleeve patient.  I'm not really a bypass patient.  Maybe i just need a rubber room and a jacket with sleeves that tie in the back...

We all float down here...

I feel bad for my hubby and the kids who have to deal with me crying over their scoop of ice cream, or yelling something crazy about portion size.  I'm afraid I'm going to get too used to the medication they gave me to make me "less emotional," but i need more of it right now.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I cry while i vomit after almost every meal. ..Tonight, i did the dishes (which is usually my son's job) because i couldn't walk away from the sink because i was horking up a bit of dinner every minute or two.  I'm throwing up, i might as well do dishes... WTF?!?!

I'm overwhelmingly sad most of the time now.  I am now fat and malnourished.  My hair is starting to thin and fall out.  My fingernails have all broken.  My skin is dry.  I am always dehydrated.  And i have done this to myself.  I'm almost at the point of professional counseling, thought i don't see what crying at strangers is going to help.  So for now, more meds.  Mood altering, pain numbing meds...

I don't like this ride and i wanna get off of it.  I want to take my ball and go the f*ck home.  But i know I'm stuck here.  Stuck in this cycle.  Fat and malnourished.  Never would have thought of that back in February when i went to a seminar....

Buhbye PEJ... You friggin' piece of crapulence...

On October 26th I was schedule to have my PEJ removed at my surgeon's office.  He said it wasn't a big deal... kind of like having a drain tube removed, but it hurts more.  Hurts more?  A lot more?  Oh, well, it depends on the person...

Sure.  Of course.  It hurts more.

After a month of pinching and pulling and struggling with the PEJ tube seepage, I was ready for some pain to get it out.  My lovely sister was designated as my chauffeur for this appointment.  I tried to tell her it was okay if she stayed in the waiting room.  She insisted on going in with me.  Muahahahahaha.... ahem. 

Anyway, It was over fairly quickly.  The surgeon had me lay down on the table and removed the stitches that held the PEJ in place.  He commented on how well i had taken care of the site, and that it was clean and looked really nice.  The doc removed 2 syringes worth of saline from the port marked "BALLOON" on my chickenfoot tube end.  The doc explained that I was to take a deep breath and as I exhaled, he would remove the tube.  I explained to him that if it DID hurt more than having the drain tube taken out, there was a definite possibility of me having a brief moment of  uncontrollable Tourette's.  He laughed and said he fully expected it.

My sister was seated at the foot of the table.  I told her i was closing my eyes and suggested she leave the room.  She assured me she was okay.

I took a deep breath and  *FOOM*! HOLYCRAPMONKIES! MOTHERFLETCHER! CHEESEANDCRACKERS!  The tube was out. One good continuous yank.  Man, he was not kidding about the pain.  The site was cleaned up and bandaged as he told me that t would definitely seep for a few days until the hole sealed itself.  Then he showed me the tube that I had grown to despise so much... He inflated the balloon at the end and told me where it was positioned and why it tends to be so painful for everyone.  Ok, makes sense.  *whew* Glad that's over...

...and that's when i noticed my sister was white as a sheet.  I swear, the woman is 6 years older than me, and i had to keep checking on her all day.  Are you ok?  Not gonna pass out?  She still yells at me about having nightmares about tubes.  ...sheesh, it's not like it was stuck in her gut for a month.  Sissylala... Now she's mad at me and refuses to go to any doctor appointments with me....  *rolls eyes*

Long awaited updates... The 3rd surgery rundown...

My dearest apologies for making you wait so long, but I've been having a hell of a time lately.  My pain is still cranked up to a standard of 8 out of 10 most days, so the updates are slow to come.

Basically, on September 25th I had my 3rd (and hopefully final) surgery.  The doctor attached the little blind pouch of my stomach to my small intestine and used that attachment spot to make a larger stoma (the stomach exit).  My front Vagus nerve was severed to prevent the problems that I've had with stomach acid, and specifically to try and prevent future ulcerations. 

I also had a feeding tube inserted.  Since my teeny, tiny tummy is too small for a tube, i had it placed into my jejunum (the second part of the small intestines after the duodenum).  So, now I have a three pronged port protruding right below my bra-line on the middle of my abdomen.  Thankfully, the PEJ tube was only in case i had further complications.

I woke up in a fairly good amount of pain.  I was hooked up to a constant morphine pump with and "emergency button" for when i needed more.  Most of that day is rather blurry, but I do remember having several bouts of the hiccups.  OMG. PAIN.  Hiccups are one of the worse things ever with a PEJ tube.

I did the usual post surgery routine.  Walking.  Vital checks.  Reporting to the nurse how much i could pee.  You know the drill. ...except this time, the day after surgery i was given soft foods.  Not liquids.  Real actual pureed foods! Whoohoooo!  Everything was pretty much smooth sailing in the hospital and i was released on Thursday the 29th.

Pureed foods have been good to me.  I haven't been brave enough to venture any farther than that, though.  The tube hurts like hell still.  After I eat or drink, the tube twitches and pulls as foods move through my digestive system.  ...it pulls strong enough that you can see it.  Sneezing hurts.  Coughing HURTS.  Hiccups hurt a lot still.  Any kind of quick involuntary movement hurts and make the port on the end of the tube seep a thin brownish-green fluid...  Eeeeeeeeeewwwww.  This was thwarted by folding and taping the tube, essentially putting a kink in it to seal my juices in!

So now I've been walking around with a tube folded and taped to my gut.  It's interesting.  It still hurts like crazy all the time.  My stomach is great.  No problems with pureed food or drinks.  The PEJ tube hurts constantly.  I cant wait to get this thing out.  Hopefully soon...  I miss sleeping on my side...

Third time's the charm.... Right?!?

A lot has happened since my last post a month ago... I was keeping liquids down half of September.  Around the 15th or so, random things would come back up.  The thicker the liquids, the more likely they would revisit me.  Soon after, the protein shakes were a no-go.  I would still try, but alas, my angry tummy said NO.  It steadily got worse.  More frequent and less staying down...

By September 24th, I was tired and weak.  I was getting dizzy and having this horrible headache.  I was going to the bathroom once, maybe twice, a day.  That was it.  I was toast.  It was a Saturday, but I couldn't take it anymore.  I called my surgeon's office almost in tears.  The surgeon called me back and said he'd reserved a room for me at the hospital.  Get there now.

I was assessed as clinically dehydrated and borderline malnourished.  My blood counts came back high enough to clear me for surgery.  I was declared NPO (nothing by mouth) and gave the IV tech a difficult time finding a vein for basic fluids.  The surgeon said that we might as well do this as soon as possible... At 9pm Saturday night, I was told that surgery would be 7am Sunday morning. 

For some reason, I was scared.  I mean, I already had two surgeries, no big deal.  This time, it was a big deal to me.  Cue emotional freakout..

EGD number 6? 8? I dunno anymore...

So, puking leads to EGD's, apparently.  Went to the hospital on September 13th for my upper scope thing at 7:45am.  My surgeon was replaced with a doctor i do NOT like since her patient "stupidly ate breakfast" and couldn't have an EGD.  Really?!? You called her stupid?  Yay, professionalism.  I was thinking about objecting to this doctor, but as i was lying on the table waiting for my doc i heard behind me "My patient stupidly ate breakfast so no go, I'll do this one.  start sedation." and of course, lights out.

I woke up to a nurse explaining my procedure results.  Wheres the doc?  Oh, she's busy.  WTF?!?!  I always have my surgeon explain my results...  Oh, I have an ulcer?  Why?  How? Oh, you don't know.  *sigh*

Sooo...Ii stopped into the doc's office on my way home from the hospital and made an appointment for the next day to have MY doc explain results.

He explained that a pulling or pressure on my stomach at the stoma point has caused an ulcer.  Could be causing some of my ejection problems.  Now i have to take ulcer meds 4 times a day along with the usual nighttime meds for acid.  Yay.

I was put on a full-liquid diet until the ulcer clears.  Yay, soup!  *grumble*

Oh, yeah, that's not a BIG deal....yet

Apparently, puking solids isn't a big deal.  The nurse at the surgeon's office says as long as i can keep liquids down, I'm not supposed to be alarmed.  Yay?

My food is sliding into part of my previously closed "blind stomach" since my new RnY stoma (opening) is closing up.  After a while, my blind stomach gets irritate and says "Here, have this back!"  So, yeah.  I'm told to keep eating solid-ish food to try and force the stoma open.  So yeah, puke all day, it's cool.

I am SOOOOO going to find a voluntary bulimic and kick his/her ass.

Anyone want this damn tiara?!?

I'm tired of being the Complication Queen.

Monday's EGD went well.  My stomach was almost completely strictured shut and once again, the doc managed to dilate it back open.  He left the dilation balloon inflated fully for two minutes to force my stoma to stay open.

 I was feeling pretty good Monday and Tuesday morning.  Last night's 7pm dinner was the carefully dissected innards of a beef pot pie.  Then the little burping solids started... Okay, maybe I ate too fast.  Don't panic.  I'll be fine. 

I was up until around 11pm finishing up the chores and watching TV. I drank some water, and had a popsicle about 30 minutes before bed. I slept fine. No heartburn or reflux woke me up.

This morning, after I got moving around a bit and had some tasty protein-added cream of wheat, part of my dinner came up and said hello. Definitely was beef stew-ish.  Was not cream of wheat-ish.  Selective vomiting?

Umm... 12 hours later?!?! What the... *confused*

Hey Rocky, watch me pull beef stew out of my hat...!

...I think I'm gonna call the doc again today...

You can never have too many....

EGD's.  Yeah.  I've had three already.  Tomorrow is my 4th.  Enough already.  My new walnut-sized pouch has decided to throw things back at me like my sleeve did.  I'm still keeping down some liquids, and if I eat and sit really still, I'm okay... Otherwise, I'm again feeding the imaginary baby birds...

Needless to say, my doc said on Friday that I might be developing a stricture again...  EGD scheduled for Monday with a possible balloon dilation.  I dread the possibility of getting admitted into the hospital again. What recourse do i have if this dilation doesn't work?!?  PICC line was mentioned, so was PEG line.  DO NOT WANT.

I'm terrified.  I am sooo entirely afraid that the forced bypass is going to go all wrong like my sleeve did.  I pride myself on a good false front.  I'm the strong one.  Nope, It's okay.  I'm fine.  That's really hard for me right now.  I need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay.  The hubby is a great support, but he's worried.  That makes me worried.  As usual, I will try and suck it up and act like I'm not worried... and try not to cry infront of strangers...

I definitley need to set an alarm...

Oh, how i dread shopping... This morning, I was feeling tired and couldn't get myself moving.  We were supposed to do complete school supply shopping, the oldest monster and I...  So I threw on some clothes, grabbed a diet iced tea and left the house, determined to get this over with.  After an hour of crowded Staples elbowing, we escaped to the printer ink section.  Yay, no crowd!!

Wow. It's hot in here.

The boy says, "Mom, yer lookin' a little shaky. Are you ok?!"

Then it really hit me.  I was sweating like I ran a marathon.  Dizzy, nauseous, unsteady, pukey...any of these would have been fitting monikers at the time.  Had I looked at the floor closely, i probably could have seen my blood sugar down there... Hypoglycemia, GO!

Yeah, i need to set an alarm to remind me to eat.  I don't get hungry anymore and sometimes... well, I'm an arse and I just forget.  That was my wake up call.  That sucked.

...but I still rather hate eating.  I'm never hungry.  I always feel like i should be eating more, but I can't bring myself to do it.  Food isn't comforting anymore.  It's scary.  I don't know what's going to stay down, or what's going to hurt.  My stomach (phhht... if you can call it that anymore) is unpredictable and mean to me.

Who would have thought that something the size of a walnut could royally screw up my life?!?!

Okay, I'm done whining for now...  *sniffle*  I'm such a big baby sometimes...

Today is my one month "surgiversary" since I got this whole modified RnY crapola.  Happy anniversary to me.

Oh? A new jacket?!? Why do the sleeves tie in the back??

I have a recurring dream that my weight permanently stalls at the 1 month post-op point. I keep eating like I'm supposed to, I watch my protein intake, but I am forever stuck as I am now. Paranoia is setting in. I'm starting to believe it. I asked on one of the forums if anyone else experiencing this particular flavor of crazy.  They all answered that "stalls happen" and "just keep your protein intake up"....

Um... Hello?!?!  Did you even read what i posted?  WTF?!?  This is why i lurk.

**bangs head on desk**

Happy Birthday, Monster!!

My oldest turned 17 today. (why yes, I AM old, thank you.)  He wanted to go to IHOP for lunch.  I was a good kid.  I ordered a big steak omelet and coffee.  I sipped my coffee with splenda for a bit until my omelet came out, slid my pancakes out of the way alllll the way to the side.  I let my food cool while my coffee settled, then I picked about 2 oz of steak and cheese out of my omelet.  Now the hubby has a massive omelet and 3 pancakes for leftovers.

The kids ate like... well... teenagers.  They had lunch, refills on beverages, and dessert.  The birthday boy did ask for a box and brought home his free birthday chocolate pancake.  It's loud.  It's talking to me from the fridge.  It has chocolate chips in it.  I am not going in the kitchen for the rest of the night for fear of the birthday pancake.  It's evil.  In a bad way.

Nutritionist/NP Follow-Up...

My regular nutritionist wasn't in, so a new one got stuck with me.  No one seemed to get the update that I was not 3 months out from a sleeve, I am 3 weeks out for a RnY now.  Same story explanation sixteen times to several different people.  Nutritionist says i need more protein.  Solid goal of 80g a day.  **sigh**  I'm trying.  I know.  Also, I need more carbs.  What??  Carbs make me dump.  Carbs are bad.  You want me to eat crackers?!?!  I'm 3 weeks out, ya know...  Okay. Whatever. Crackers.  I miss my other nutritionist.

Nurse Practitioner was actually the bariatric coordinator from the hospital.  She remembers me from the seminar in february.  She visited me both times in the hospital.  Finally someone who knew what was going on.  My labs came back and everything was well within healthy range.  I'm doing well with my blood pressure, and my incisions are healing well.

I told her that my clothes are fitting differently, but i still don't LOOK different to me.  Apparently, that's normal, too.  It takes a while for the brain to catch up.

Best quote of the day, "Did you notice that the tattoo on your neck is moving to curve around your jaw now? Watch your tattoos move as you lose weight."  Bwaaahahahahaha.

R.I.P. Tasty Foods

Oh, tasty foods, how I shall miss thee...

I'm in food mourning right now.  I miss stuff other people eat without thinking about it.  I want things I know I cannot eat.  I'm pissy and angry and whiney.  So there.

Egads... WTF?

My surgeon finally gets my Rx company to approve the Prevacid SoluTabs since i can't take pills or swallow the contents of a capsule...  Now the generics have been recalled.  The brand name, through my insurance, will cost me $85 per month.  For one Rx.

Arrrggggghhh!!!  I guess I'll learn to live with the acid reflux...  Do these people not realize I have to take this stupid med for the rest of my life?!?!

**bangs head on desk**

2 Week Follow-Up...

My appointment at the surgeon's office today was....weird.  Par for the course, huh?  Still having pain when i try and lay down, or when i cough or sneeze or yawn.  Apparently, my CT scan came back pretty clean.  My diaphragm is swollen and bruised, thus the pain, and I even got PCOS cysts that showed up.  Nice to know that's still with me  **rolls eyes**....

My surgeon is awesome.  He wrote out more Rx's for pain meds and a series of steroids to get the swelling down.  He also fought the insurance company so they would cover my Rx for chewable acid reducers.  Yay!  I did get a talking to about not taking my pain meds enough and trying to do too much too soon.  Apparently he thinks I'm trying to be SuperWoman... **shrugs**

I told him the pain was getting better, but it still made me have Torette's Syndrome when I sneeze.  Through no choice of my own, now when I sneeze I also throw out a curse word.  Yeah, it hurts that much

Soooo.... more meds and less activity for me.  No return to work date yet, which is good since I haven't even been approved for disability since 6/26 when the complications started.  I miss getting paid.  The bills are becoming a bit stressful.  MetLife is supposed to make their grand decision today...  **fingers crossed**

Venturing out...

So, the hubby and I are going to a local show tonight.  Ska/Oi/Punk/Hardcore.  One of his friends is playing, and we havent seen his band in nearly 2 years.  This will be my first show wth no alcohol.  Usually, the hubby and I take turns being the designated drinker for the evening.  Even when I'm not drinking, I still have a drink or two (I just make sure I take it slow and don't power-drink).

I don't know if i can be sober AND social.  I think these are two co-dependant things.  Egads, what am I doing?!?!

Today sucks, this sucks, I suck...

Yep, it's one of those days.  I've been getting progressively crankier these last few days.  I feel awful.  Besides the physical pain, I keep having dreams that I'm never going to lose any weight, but I'm stuck eating about a 1/4 cup of food at a time for the rest of my life.  Today, I feel like one of those 800 lb people you see being extracted from their house with a forklift.  I know I'm not 800 lbs.  It still feels like that to me today.  I feel like the pain will never subside.  It hasn't gotten better in 2 weeks. 

What have I done to myself?

It's the little things...that make me a whiney baby...

Well, got some blood work drawn today for my appointment with the dietitian next week.  The tech that was checking me in noticed that my paperwork said something about "nutrition levels post gastric surgery," so she decided to start firing questions at me.  I should have just pretended to be foreign...

"Oh! Did you have that stomach thing done!?! Is it hard? How much you eat now? Issit worth it?  How much weight you lose? Your doctor good? How long it all take? ..."  **ignoring grammar mistakes as much as possible**

I kind of felt bad after I started to explain that I didn't WANT a bypass, that I had a sleeve with massive complications and now, after my 2nd surgery and the bypass revision, it hurts me just to breathe.  Her face just fell.  I actually apologized and said I'm just not the best person to ask about it.

The blood work was done and my day progressed to it's usual, pain-filled boredom.  I haven't been to work since the end of June.  I went back to work after my sleeve surgery on June 19th.  I worked until June 25th.  That whole week I was sick.  I work with federal paperwork, so my co-workers and higher-ups were dismayed that i was vomiting while i worked.  Every time I took a sip or two of water I had to lean over my little wastebasket and hurl it back up.  I could have been fire for vomiting on the papers.  I was careful, but uncomfortable.  So on the 26th of June, i called out.  It went downhill from there.

Now, I'm battling the disability company for my job.  They don't seem to have enough information to verify that I should not be puking at work.  They need more paperwork about why i was absent from work from June 26th until July 11th when i was admitted to the hospital.  I had to fight with my insurance company about why i had to stay in the hospital from July 11th until July 24th.  Like I wanted to...

My pain level hasn't changed.  Just taking a breath in makes my gut feel like a knife is ripping from one side to the other.  Liquid Rx works to dull the pain, but also is a narcotic, so I can't take it during the day if I have to drive or otherwise function.

On top of that, I just discovered that my new stomach does not like sugar free chocolate jello pudding. Oh, for Pete's sake!!  I think I'm going to bed before something else makes me cry.

Ponderings on pain and religion...

My pain level is off the charts today.  My surgeon gave me and Rx for liquid Dilaudid, and that's helping a bit, although it tastes like burning...  Ick!!  I'm gathering my thoughts and will try to keep my blog more updated, but damn, this desk chair hurts.

It's just a constant stabbing pain from my left side to my right.  If i cough, or sneeze, or move wrong, it turns into a ripping pain.  There's really nothing I can do about it til the tests results come back from my CT scan.

I'm wondering what i could have done to prevent this.  I'm wondering what i should have done instead.  I'm wondering if I should become a christian and ask for help, or become a catholic and figure i deserve this...

**shrugs** I guess I'll take another dose of Dilaudid and go sleepies...

Missing in Action: In a Nutshell...

Sorry I was missing for so long, but my sleeve and I were not getting along...

Sleeve surgery was May 23rd. All was well. I returned to work on June 19th.  By June 24th i was back out again.  I had been keeping less and less down, foods and fluids.  By the time i went back to the doctor on July 11th, i was keeping NOTHING down.  Not water.  Not anything.  In that span of time, i readjusted my diet, went backwards in my progression to purees and full liquids and even tried to do clear liquids.  I had cold stuff one day and warm stuff the next day.  Nothing kept me from vomiting everything back up.  I was exhausted and hurting and about to just give up when i went back to the surgeon.  I said i had no idea what was wrong, what was i doing wrong?!?!  I explained everything that was going on and the progression it had taken.  My doctor said he was calling the hospital for immediate admittance.

I got to the hospital that afternoon and found out that, clinically, i was starving and dehydrated.  My sleeve had begun to heal itself shut.  The scar tissue had built up, and the muscle itself had shrunk, so nothing was entering my stomach at all.  Everything just went down, sat at the top of my stomach, and then came back up.
I went through several EGD scope procedures with dilation balloons to try and reopen my stomach.  None of them was successful.  I was hooked up to a PICC IV line to get nutrition and fluids.  We reviewed all the procedures and tests and gastrographs and explored all kinds of options.  My surgeon has never even heard of this happening to such a degree.  I was in the hospital for 2 weeks.

Basically, after exhausting every other possibility, i had to undergo a revision surgery to turn my sleeve into an RnY full bypass.  It was the only thing that would save part of my stomach and let me be able to take in nutrition without the IV.  I was crushed.  I did not, DO NOT, want a full gastric bypass.  I cried for days.  I still do now and then.

Revision surgery was July 22nd.  I was released on July 24th after i drank fluids slowly overnight and kept down liquid medication for pain.  On the 24th, i was sore but soooo ready to go home.  The next day, i had a bit of a tickle in my throat and began coughing.  That's when the pain really hit me.  I now have a constant stabbing, ripping pain that runs from my left side to my right.  My whole diaphragm is killing me...all the time.  If i get up too fast, or cough, or sneeze it makes me cry.  i cant sleep.  I cant lie down.  Everything is uncomfortable.  I just had a full chest/abdomen/pelvic CT scan yesterday (July 28) so we can try and figure out whats going on.

This sucks.  This is not what was supposed to happen with my wonderful anticipated sleeve.  I never even considered a full gastric bypass.  Now I'm stuck with it. 

Excuse my language, but Buyer's remorse is a bitch.

**Details and rantings to follow as i start feeling up to it.

I love free stuffs!!

I clicked on http://www.celebratevitamins.com/component/chronocontact/?chronoformname=sample and ordered a sample of vitamins last week.  Today, I got a small package with about a dozen different chewable tablets and a multi-vitamin drink mix.  They sent me every flavor of chewable that they make for the Sleeve specific nutrition.  I'm so excited.  I'm such a dork, but I love free stuffs!!

The Celebrate website has oodles of info about the vitamins and after-care post-WLS.  They offer vitamins, shakes, vitamin drink mixes, and even peanut flour... Prices seem really reasonable, too.  Think I'm gonna order their vitamin/protein shake mix and see whatsdoin.

Thanks to http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/ for the link.  Oh, and if you havenb't read her site, go now.  Info, support, and recipies aplenty! She's usually giving away freebies and things.  It's Eggface's 5 year anniversary, so go enter for a prize package.  But if you win, I expect you to share  =)

Adding insult to injury...

Well, nothing much to report.  We went up to the tattoo shop today to get some of my jewelery replaced since I keep losing the plastic retainers I had put in for surgery.  No big deal there until my piercer said he could probably taper my bridge piercing back in...  The anaesthesiologist made me take my bridge out right before surgery even though I had a plastic retainer in it, and hubby and I couldn't get the jewelry back in after surgery.

Sooo..  Taper.  Yeah, i hate tapers.  **deep breath**  Okay.  Do it.

Friggin' OUCH!  My bridge is back in, which I am eternally grateful for, but DAMN that hurt.

Now I have all my piercings back in except for the nipple rings.  I kinda miss those.  I do not miss those enough for my piercer to taper those back in.  Screw that....

Regrets, I've had a few...

But then again... I can't sing.

So, I'm 22 days out and still wondering WTF i did to myself.  I'm puking a lot, I'm awakened most mornings at 3am by choking on my own stomach acid, I'm tired, and I'm horribly brain hungry.  I haven't been actually hungry yet, but man, I could write a book about the stuff I WANT to eat right now.  I want a piece of toast.  I want chocolate. I want biscuits.  I want a huge bowl of cereal.  I want all kinds of things simply because I know i can't eat that right now...

I want to know why one sad lonely spoonful of ice cream makes me soooo sick.  If I'm lactose intolerant I'm gonna be angry.   Just sayin'...

But really, right now it seems as though I've jumped through months worth of hoops to be surgically inflicted with an eating disorder.  I forget to eat like, anorexics do, and when i eat more than 1/4 cup at a time (or if i eat the wrong thing) then i feed the baby birds...  **blllppph*  {{politically correct disclaimer:  i am not putting down/making fun of/lightening the experience of an eating disorder.  Just how I feel. No offense meant. Close cover before striking. Yer mileage may vary.}}

By the postings I've read at a few different boards, feeling "normal" doesn't come into the picture for about 6 months. Oh, fricking yay!!  I mean, i can't call a do-over.  I'm just gonna have to suck it up.  Some days it's difficult.  My hubby is inflicted with a crying, snotty, bitchy couch-lump that keeps saying "It's okay, I did this to myself!!" every time he says he's sorry I'm feeling bad.  That man needs a medal... or a Klondike bar...

Lucky for you, I lost my train of thought...  I'm going in the kitchen to stare at the oatmeal that hates me...

Have I told you I love my parents...?

No.  Yeah, there's a reason for that.  I haven't seen my folks since January.  They haven't seen the kids since Christmas or so...  I decided to be nice and drive downstate to see them. (Yes, downstate.  They live an hour away) I spoke with my mom all week about things that I can eat and things that I can't.  I went into full details about my current pureed only diet since surgery.  **sigh**  My wonderful mother had made corn, baked Idaho potatoes, she bought fresh soft Amish bakery rolls, and had my father grill london broil.  Yeah, good thing I brought my own pureed chicken.  Nothing she had was on my "eat" list.  To top everything off, I sat through the 3 pie dessert... Peanutbutter cream pie, oreo cream pie, and chocolate cream pie.  All the while, the woman looks at me and says "I'm sooo sorry you can't eat anything..."

I have not committed murder.  I am a better person.  We had a "nice" visit.  I'm thinking about moving across country just to have an excuse not to deal with that again...

Thank you, Mom, for proving it's not my fault that I turned out like this...

Strange Grumblings...or lack thereof...

Pre-surgery, i knew what hungry was.  I knew that if my stomach growled, i was to stuff food in my face.  I knew that if I had eaten something a few hours ago, I could probably eat something now.  I used to have conversations that went something like this:

Stomach:  "Ggggrrrrrrwwwwwooooollllllllrrrrrrrrr"
Me:  "Yeah, yeah. I know...."
Stomach:  "Rrrrrraaaaawwwwrrrrrrrrrrllllllll"
Me:  "Mmmm...That looks good."
**commence eating**

Surgery has since rendered my stomach mute.  I don't know if he left, of if he's just quiet now, or if the staples are keeping him captive.  Not a peep.  Maybe he's just mad at me and we're not on speaking terms right now...

Anyhow, every few hours now i get this weird empty feeling where my stomach used to be.  It's nothing like hunger.   It's not a gnawing sensation, it's not a rumbling, and it doesn't gurgle at me.  It's just a slight empty feeling.  Though, it's nothing like the emptiness in my soul (that's what my mom says i have).

So I now feed as per the schedule.  I get up, I eat.  I wait 30 minutes or so, then i drink something.  I wait 30 to 60 minutes, and I eat something again...  Sometimes I have to set a reminder on my phone or I'll forget to eat, then I'm confronted by the odd empty tummy...

"Full" is also different.  I take small baby-spoon sized bites and pause for chewing well.  After a few bites, I have a small burp escape.  That's it.  I'm done.  Should I chose to ignore this tiny burp, my stomach allows three or so additional bites before it unceremoniously reverses the direction of my food elevator.  I swear if I don't get the hang of this eating thing, I'm going to adopt baby birds.  There's no retching, no spasms, just "blech" elevator-up!  I will never be able to watch bird-related nature shows again.  Every time I get sick I swear i should hear a tiny "peep!peep!peep!" from somewhere... 

Protein is 'spensive!!!

Sooo... after shopping around, I found that most places have "sample packs" including Syntha-6, Nectar, Click, and a billion other protein companies, but most have crazy high shipping prices.  So, seeing as though i'm off of work and have nothing to do but track my intake and puke all day, i started writing emails directly to the manufacturers i found.  Most didn't answer me yet (7 days later).  The makers of Muscle Milk sent me a package containing a serving of Muscle Milk cookies & cream and a serving of Whey Isolate chocolate along with about $10 in coupons off of all of their products.  Score!!  The Syntrax people who make Nectar brand protein sent me a call in offer via email:

Hi,
We are currently offering a one time only, limit one per person special on the Nectar ‘Variety Sampler’ containing 13 full serving packets of the following flavors:  Apple Ecstasy, Caribbean Cooler, Crystal Sky, Fuzzy Navel, Lemon Tea, Pink Grapefruit, Roadside Lemonade, Strawberry Kiwi, Twisted Cherry, Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry Mousse, Vanilla Bean Torte and Latte Cappuccino.  The price is $13.00.  The Nectar Variety Sampler receives FREE SHIPPING and orders typically arrive in 2-5 business days via UPS Ground.  If you would like to take advantage of this offer, please give us a call at 866-333-7403 x 801.  Our hours are Monday - Friday, 8am - 5pm Central time.
Brent Redburn
SI03 Medical Sales

So, I just called and ordered.  Sounded good to me... $13 for 13 servings.  Maybe i just like the number 13.  If you haven't heard of Nectar, it's mostly fruity flavors that claim they taste so good, you can eat the powder out of the jar like pixy sticks...  I'll let ya know if thats true in 2-5 business days.

I think it's common from what i've seen on the forums... Most people find a protein powder they LOVE pre-op.  Post-op, yeah, not so much.  All the dairy based chocolate, vanilla, latte flavors won't stay down for me.  And the HealthWise drinks that my surgeon's office sells are vicious-horrible.  Blargh!!  Nasty protein aftertaste and they smell just plain bad.  Hopefully Nectar will be better  =)

OMG, Pancakes!!! Err... umm... Pancake!!

I went out to dinner last night.  15 days post surgery.  I was craving pancakes and got the okay from the doc at my follow-up appointment.  Apparently, pancakes are smooshy enough that they can be considered part of the pureed diet.  Whodathunkit?  Anywho, the hubby and i went out to the local IHOP without the kids.  That, in and of itself, was glorious.  We perused the menu together since i wasn't eating much.  Figured out that their scrambled eggs special sounded like something i was brave enough for.  Scrambled eggs with mushroom, onions, and cheese.  Sides of hash browns, 4 sausages, and 2 pancakes.  Pre-surgery, i would have inhaled that without thinking.  Last night, i sipped on my coffee... little tiny sips... until the food arrived.  I waited and had conversation with the hubby while my coffee processed through my sleeve.  I ate tiny bites of the eggs.  Frickin' delicious!!  I put my fork down between bites and made sure i talked a little to pace myself.  I moved some pancakeage over to another plate so i had one single pancake in front of me.  Carefully dissecting the pancake into tiny pieces, i cut up about a third of it, added a little bit of the butter pecan syrup (my favorite at IHOP... they seriously need to bottle it... or i need bigger pockets...) and carefully dove it.  OMFG!!  It was painful-good!!  I ate tiny pieces of pancakeygoodness for almost 15 minutes.  Chewing like mad, i kept hoping that IHOP would not be the first public place i puked in.  And it worked!!  Success!! Almost a third of a pancake!!  I got about 10g of protein in from the egg and cheese.  I know pancakes aren't really good for me at this point but it was sooooo good for my brain!! 

Looking over, i saw that hubby had demolished his big huge omelet, pancakes, hash browns, etc, and was looking a little uncomfy.  My plate looked like i hadn't touched it.  It made me chuckle... The waiter kept eyeballing me when he walked past.  After the 4th or 5th trip past, he stopped and asked if the food was okay, if i need anything fixed, if anything was wrong, if there was something he could do....  I had to explain that it was delicious, but i just had surgery and can only eat a little bit at a time.  He looks confused, but relieved that the food was okay, and offered to bring some boxes over.  I think i just publicly came out of the surgery closet!! LOL

So, dinner was a success.  The hubby was a little uncomfortable about eating in front of me still, but i told him it doesn't bother me.  I was full and happy.... AND i have enough leftover eggs for a few days!!  Yay, protein!

Now i just need to work on that evil little fatgirl voice in my head... The one that says, "That was good. Eat some more. One more bite."  It's wonderful that the sleeve has a louder voice that says, "Fullish now.  Puking is bad.  Don't make me do it! I will so make you puke in IHOP!!"  I am Clockwork Orange conditioned now, methinks.  Food is good.  More food = puking. Puking = bad....

2-week follow up appointment...pukes and giggles...

So, the last two weeks were hard.  My blog suffered because it HURT to sit in the desk chair.  And the most exciting thing EVER... when i drink a dairy-based shake, or try and eat more than one ounce of pudding or yogurt, I have the most extraordinary puking skills I've ever seen.  Nothing like the pre-surgery puking.  More like the down elevator decided to go UP instead.  I should be feeding baby birds.  Seriously.  I can predict it now.  2 oz of sugar-free pudding and i need to have a bucket next to me.  No warning.  No spasm.  Just a reverse swallow.  Yay!  I'm now Pukey Mc Vomit with dairy stuffs.  The doc says this might be temporary, or there's a chance i have developed lactose intolerance because of the surgery.  Here's hoping that it's temporary.  I likes me some dairy.  All fat girls do... right?!?!

Anyways, oddly enough, i discovered through the boards at gastricsleeve.com that (request a map if you get lost here) my hubby's co-worker's wife had her sleeve surgery done the same day by the same doc!  Whoot!  Instant surgery buddy!!  Haven't met her yet, but we're thinking of being the Dyamic Insecure-Fat-Girl-at-the-Gym Duo!  Always better with company.  Plus, we can mock the people that are there all alone since we obviously have more friends than they do!!  Ha!!

So, at two weeks out, i'm still on pureed foods.  Got to get my 80g of protein and 48 ounces of water in every day.  The water is tough.  more than 4 oz of fluids at a time is a no-go.  And most times, just 4 oz is enough to make me feel all sloshy inside... Like when you're soooo drunk you can't pee fast enough and it makes you feel like a 70's waterbed...  Yeah, like that... but without the hugging strangers part.

Ice pops rock.  The cheap plastic-sleeve kind.  The ones i can get at the dollar store (24 ice pops for a buck, baby!).  Yeah, i love those.  1.5 ounces of fluid each.  Stoopid, i know, but it heps to get the fluids in on badly sloshy days.  I haven't hurled up an ice pop yet!

I'm going to get an ice pop and research gym prices...  Ooooh, and in 30 minutes i can have more pureed chicken!!  (yay for sarcasm!)

Thursday's escape...

**Reader's Digest Version to catch up to present day**

Soooo...Thrsday came in with the news that a 3rd Radioactive Dishsoap test was not needed.  Water was kept down.  Walks were had.  I found out I'm allergic to codeine (WTF?!?) after i had to drink Tylenol 3 and my face blew up and got really red.  Yep.  I'm fine.  Nope. Really.  Can I go home?  No, I'm fine... Nothing's swollen.  It's just red. 

*whisper to the hubby* get me outta here before i start slurring from the swelling!!

And, freedom...

Two days after...

Wednesday was rather a blur.  I kept blowing out IV lines...  The first IV started leaking out of my wrist.  The IV nurse they sent up to my room couldn't find a vein for 10 minutes, then she hit a valve and bent the needle in my arm.  She then tapped out and sent for another IV nurse.  This one listened to me blathering on in pain (no IV meds for about 4 hours now) that my veins suck and they hide, and no one has ever successfully hit a vein in the crook of my elbow.  She ignores me.  "See, hit a vein first time."  Okie.  Maybe i was wrong.  (Like that happens  =P )  I was exhausted and decided just to nap.  When i woke up, the hubby was helping me out of bed and i ask him what was tied on my arm...  Looked down and saw that my entire upper arm has swelled up to thigh size!! (and my thighs aren't little here, peoples)  Yeah, she didn't hit a vein.  I had hours of IV meds going directly into the tissue of my arm...

**fast forward through several more IV attempts and quite a few bouts of pukings**

By the end of Wednesday, i still couldn't keep down any water or ice chips.  My stomach was still swollen shut.  Radioactive dish soap test #2 had the same results.  I was supposed to be out of the hospital Wednesday.  I was stuck.  Stuck and vomiting.  A lot. 

Thankfully, the nursing staff was excellent.  I kept apologizing to everyone when i was sick, or when i needed help.  I cried on one nurse after i vomited so hard i peed on the floor.  One of my most embarrassing moments ever.  She gently hugged me and said i was fine, not to worry.  I really wish i was with-it enough to remember everyone's name.  I'd love to thank them all personally.  The Christiana nursing staff was really on-point.

My IV was finally situated, i got my morphine back, and they added some steroids to the IV cocktail mix to try and get my stomach to behave..

I was guessing Wednesday was the low point and it HAD to get better...  Right??

Terrible Tuesday...

Monday (May 23rd) night was hard.  Sleeping in a weird place always is.  I was trying to keep my facebook updated through the night since i wasn't sleeping well, and i had to sleep sitting up since i was having a little trouble swallowing...

In the morning, i got up, used the restroom and went for a walk before my "swallow test" was scheduled.  I had a few ice chips to munch on, too.  Ice chips are soooo wonderful when you haven't had anything at all.  Went for another quick walk to try and clear up the tummy gurgle the ice chips produced.  Seems as thought i felt "sloshy" for lack of a better word.  Eeeew.  Thought you have to love the hospital escourt service.  Wheeled (very quickly, holycrapmonkies!) down to the testing lab.  In the testing lab, i explained that i couldn't really lay down on their table because i was having a little trouble swallowing since surgery, so they raised the tilt table for me.  I was xrayed and the table was brought to a full standing position.  The tech handed me a cup of what looked like clear dish soap.  She asked if i ever had a barium test before, and i said yes, years ago.  She said ," This is WAAAY worse.  Just swallow fast."  Oh good.  Now that I have that to look forward to... Thanks.  She was right, though.  Tasted pretty much as it looked.  The lab doc waited a few minutes and started up the xray again.  Turn this way.  Turn that way. Raise your arm.  Smile.  No, i was just kidding...  Yeah, hilarious.  The doc looks at the screen and points and says "That is your new stomach."  Wow.  Spiffy.  Well, how come that radioactive dish soap isn't going in there?  It just looks like a big glowing orb on top on my stomach.  "Looks like it's resting in your esophagus.  Take another big gulp, please."  Crap.  Eeeew. Gross.  Okay.  **gulp**  Ouch.  Umm, this is uncomfortable now.  He says to swallow hard a few times.  Yeah, something is stuck, put more pressure on it.  OUCH.  The lab doc looks pensive and says to turn this way.  Now swallow again.  OUCHFRIGGINOUCH!!!  Yep.  I had a nightlight stuck in my espohagus.  My stomach had completely swollen shut.  Thus the sloshy all night.  Nothing was getting into my stomach.  Spit, ice chips, everything i swallowed just sat there.  If i moved wrong, it just came back up my espohagus.  Apparently, this radioactive dish soap is bad for your lungs, so i was ordered not to lay down until i could clear this test.  We would try again Wednesday.  Oh, goody.  So my Tuesday was spent sitting up or walking.  No more ice chips, no water.  At least i wasn't strong enough to try and kill someone...I love you too, morphine button  =)

Overdue surgey info...DoomsDay!

Sorry for the wait, but it's been such a roller coaster since surgery.  Basically, to sum up my surgery experience, this sucked.  I had to check in at the hospital at 7am, waited a little bit before i was taken back to prep and holding.  While gowned, scrubbed, and stuck in a bed, I found out that the last set of lab tests did not get sent to the hospital properly.  The nurse said we might have to postpone this...  Nurses scrambling, phone calls being made, basically amounts to the lab didn't follow instructions.  No pregnancy test was done.  Apparently, you have to verify you are not pregnant before they will perform surgery.  Okay, that makes sense.  If you said something about 40 minutes ago I could have told you I had a tubal ligation more than 10 years ago...  Yeah, next.  After this, the anesthesia nurse says "These piercings HAVE to come out."  No.  They don't.  The surgeon said they're okay.  Really.  Okay, go ask him.  So i got to keep my dermal implants, but i lost my bridge piercing (that will interfere with your mask) and my nipple piercings (WTF? You're not supposed to worry about my boobs in this?!?!).  It was surgery or piercings.  I had to pick.  Dammit.  Surgery was the easy part.  I was wheeled into the surgery suite, wrapped in a blanket and that was ll i remember.

After surgery was kinda cloudy.  I sort of remember being wheeled into my room.  I was in a private suite across from the nurses' station. 7th floor east, room 17.  The room was spacious with a huge window overlooking the daycare center.  I slept a lot.  I was hooked up to an IV in my right wrist with a lovely little call button for morphine.  Within 4 hours of surgery i was up and to the restroom, then for a short walk in the hall.  Everything went fine the first day.  I was thirsty, but i knew that had to wait.  Lip balm was the best invention ever that first day.  The horrors did not begin until Tuesday...

Shut up, stoopid brain!!

So, I'm officially at the point of "what the hell did i get myself into?!?!"  I'm almost done my first day of clear liquids, and I'm just feeling defeated.  I can't do this.  It's too hard.  I'm watching the family eat dinner and then ice cream.... and dammit!  Why am i doing this?!?!?!

I'm doing this because i want to.  I have to.  I'm doing this for me.  No more whining!  (though i may still sniffle and shed a tear now and then)... I've gotten this far, there's no sense messing it up now.  If i "cheat" I'm only screwing up what I've accomplished already.  Yep, I'm sure the surgeon wont know if i have a little ice cream, but i would know.  This is my chance to change my thoughts and my habits related to my foods.

My day's rations consisted of water (hooray for Propel water), chicken bullion, sugarfree popsicles, and sugarfree jello.  I'm hungry.  It's not as much a physical hunger as i thought....but my brain wants food NOW.  My stomach is a little rumbly, but not too bad.  Farther down, though, is another story.  I do believe the roofing tar is still in production, though now it's a much thinner mix.  And all the deliveries are urgent.  TMI, I'm sure, but you wanted to read this...so there  =P

Now I'm thinking about going to bed early so i don't want to eat anything anymore.  One more day of this.  One more.  I can do this. I will do this.

My ears feel so...cheap and plasticy.....

Yet another step towards surgery... I just had all of my cranial piercings replaced with plastic spacers except for my dermals... i got the flats put back in my forehead dermals.  For some reason the doctors frown upon forehead spikes.  Luckily, the surgeon didn't object to leaving the dermals in...

Now i have to go drink my last lovely Opti-Fast shake.  Tomorrow starts clear liquids for 2 days.  I'll probably miss those shakes on Sunday... Saturday and Sunday will be filled with water and broth and sugar-free jello. 

I feel sad for me a little.  I REALLY feel sad for the people that have to put up with me...

Got my supplies.... Now what?!?

Hooray, proteins!  I started out my medically supervised diet (required by insurance) with a nutritionist.  She suggest i try some proteins and see what i liked.  The Syntha-6 shakes are rather killer.  The Vanilla Ice Cream flavor is, by far, my favorite.  I have that one, a Syntha-6 Caramel Latte, and a BSN Dessert Chocolate Fudge Pudding made by the same company.  The Isopure is for the clear liquids phase.  haven't tried them yet, but they all are supposed to taste like thin kool-aid, from what I've heard.

Vitamins, etc:  Calcium, multi-vitamin with iron, biotin, B-12, and lip balm for the hospital (i still need to get omega-3 before Sunday).  What else can i say... they're chewable.  The Bariatric Advantage calcium is expensive, but i was having trouble finding calcium citrate in chewable form.  They're chocolate flavored and not bad, a little gritty... Flintstones taste the same as ever, and the B-12's are sublingual cherry flavored.  Quick dissolving, for the win!

Supplies for the liquids/transitioning phase... Sugar-free Jello, broth, bullion, soups, packets of miso, Crystal Light, Propel mix, banana applesauce, and there's a jar of PB2 in there somewhere...and yes, they're all just rather thrown into a box.  That's how i organize...

I had this horrible feeling that i don't have enough supplies for after surgery.  After reading some posts on www.gastricsleeve.com and some blogs, looks like I'm over-stocked!  This doesn't include the two blender bottles (16oz and 20oz), the heating pad, the canned veggies (for pureeing), or the yogurt, ricotta cheese, ice cubes, chicken breast, and various other groceries and sundries...  I think I'm good now...

**Thanks to Shanna1001 from the boards for the supply picture idea!! Brilliant!**

Day 7: Death Toll Rising...

So, it's noon and I'm only on my 2nd Opti-Fast shake of the day.  I got up late.  Which means i have to stay up late to drink my quota.  **sigh**  This is my last day of Opti-Fast and honestly, I will not miss it.  It's gotten to the point that I'd rather not drink anything... No matter what flavor of shake i have, it tastes like ass.  My tongue is fuzzy.  The only prominent taste i can discern is something akin to sucking on pennies.  Welcome to ketosis.  This fuzz will not come off my tongue.  Any attempts to dislodge said fuzz only results in a stronger ass/coppery taste.  Water does not help.  Brushing teeth/tongue does not help.  I'm sure a nice greasy cheeseburger would help, but i can't have one. 

After today, it's two days of clear liquids, then nothing after midnight Sunday.  I'm reporting to the hospital by 7am on Monday for surgery.  I just hope i don't have to kill anyone by then.  My brain-hungry is getting annoying.  I don't need anything, but i WANT stupid things.  Toast.  I want toast.  Now.  But i know that anything i do wrong now will only postpone my surgery.  So here I sit.... toastless.

I'm angry.  Everyone is making me angry.  Everything is making me angry.  I am an angry, angry woman.  If i wasn't feeling so tired, i might do something irrational.  But since i have to get up every two hours to pee, i haven't gotten enough sleep to do anything crazy...

My lovely children get the most of my anger at this point.  I want the house clean before i go to the hospital.  I have teenagers.  I don't expect my house to look Better Homes & Gardens pretty, but damn, could you at least put the dishes in the sink and not pee on the floor?!?!  The oldest monster is cooking dinners now so i don't have to.  He's also doing dishes and picking up the slack for his brother.  I love him.  He's still a teenager, but he's a good one most of the time.  My youngest... well, he's just angry that I'm home from work...can't wait to get me outta here... Yeah, i love him too.

Maybe its psychosomatic, but I'm exhausted.  I have no motivation and a bajillion things to do.  But I'm soooo tired.  I tried to get my butt moving yesterday and work out a bit, and i fell asleep on the yoga ball.  I guess that was a sign.  So I'm taking it easy.  Still doing laundry and picking up after everyone, but I'm accepting the realization that the house will be messy when i get home from surgery.  As long as i have a couch to sleep upright on, i guess I'm okay with that.... and please kids, don't put dirty dishes on me while I'm sleeping...

Counting down.... Thoughts on roofing tar and family

Four days.  I'm sticking to my pre-op diet and not doing too bad.  I'm not really hungry... just dealing with the brain-hunger.  The last minute "I can't eat that for a while" thoughts are getting to me, and stupidly enough - i want a piece of toast.  No.  I WANT toast NOW.  For Pete's sake, I'm craving toast.  WTF?

My Opti-Fast shakes break down to roughly a shake every 2 hours, so I'm getting used to eating on schedule.  I'm tummy-sloshy, though.  Between the shakes and the water... blargh.

The shakes aren't too bad now that I got rid of the ebil (eeeebiiilllll) vanilla ones, though occasionally my system alerts me (sometimes a tad too late) that i now have some type of roofing tar flying out of the shipping dock.  Who knew i could make roofing tar?!?  Hrmm!  Hope that stops soon.  TMI, i know.

Anywho, I still have this weird little voice in my head that tells me I should let my parents and sister in on the surgery info.  My parents would cause me nothing but stress, and they don't need to drive an hour up here to get on my drugged-up nerves in the hospital.  My sister is angry that I'm trying to "one-up" her in the medical department.  She was in ICU for a month at the beginning of the year for gall bladder issues.  Yeah, you can have that trophy.  I do not want to one-up you.  So far as my parents/sis know, I'm having some stomach polyps removed.  This is not untrue.  I have 2 polyps in the fundus of my stomach.  They will be removed with the sleeving procedure.  See what i did there?  So, I'm entirely better off without them watching me vomit and try to walk in the hospital.  The voice in my head is crazy. It's not my usual little voice, so I'm not listening.  I don't talk to strangers or deal with terrorists...So there =P

I think today is the day I finally make my log public.  Maybe my ramblings can help someone else, or at least amuse them...  **shrugs**  i dunno.  If yer reading this, please be nice.  I'm new here...

Scrambled diet... Yer doin' it wrong...

I began my pre-op liquids on saturday.  Thankfully, my surgeon said i had done well enough in the preceeding months, i didnt need 2 weeks of liquids, just one!!  Yay!!

Saturday began with my instruction to have 7 lovely Opti-Fast medically supervised diet stuff shakes.  My flavor options were chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, chicken and tomato.  Tomato scared me, so i went with a combo of the others.

Much whining, yelling, emotional outbursts, and food-mourning ensued for the next 3 1/2 days...Now enter the nutritionist appointment...

So, i was getting used to my pre-op, finally getting over the crankies, and my nutritionist changed it all today...

I was originally on 7 Opti-Fast shakes and one frozen entree (Lean Cuiseine style) per day. (optional addition foods include sugar-free jello or chicken/beef/veggie broth)  At my appt today, the nutritionist was going over my food log and said "What?!?! Why are you eating?!?!"  I explained that it's what the surgeon's office said.  She said "Nuh-uh. They're doing it wrong."  **pout**
Now I'm on 6 Opti-Fast shakes a day and one Opti-Fast nutrition bar. Sooooo, back to the surgeon's office to buy a $21 box of bars.  I took the opportunity to trade in some of the shakes (that i bought last week) while I was there.  None of the Opti-Fast shakes are delicious, but the vanilla was
sooo off-putting to me... even with added flavor extracts.  Ewwww.  Blargh!  Just wasn't staying down.  Egads.  The chocolate is my staple now.  The best of the bunch.  And i have one strawberry shake a day, and one chicken shake a day.  Yep, i said chicken shake.  It's called chicken soup, but you can't add hot water....ergo:  chicken shake.
Anywho, the Opti-Fast chocolate peanutbutter bars are rather alot like your basic soy-protien bars.  Not great, but not bad either.  At least they're filling.
So, 3 1/2 days to go until clear fluids.  I'm stocked up on Crystal Light, Propel water, broth, sugar-free popsicles, and sugar-free Jell-o.  This isn't as bad as i thought, though the brain-hungry gets me now and then and i pout a little at my family eating dinner...(sneaky me, i planned dinners this week that i don't really enjoy..heh!).

Yay!  6 days to go...

Can you smoke pot with that?!?!

...No, asshat.  It's an electronic cigarette.  A Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System to some.  Known by many names and models, the e-cig is not yer basic overpriced mall kiosk fodder.  Oh, no.  Much, much cheaper than analog cigarettes (marble meejums for me), e-cigs turn yer bad habit into a weird hobby.

Now, because of my upcoming surgery, I have converted to vaping no-nic joose (e-cig liquid with zero nicotine).  I want my nic back.  The hubby's been making me joose to keep me happy.  I now have an assortment of creamy razberry, choconanner, and menth-addict apple.  It's so nice to have a set up where you can make yer own joose.  (Incase yer not in the loop, it's just veggie glycerin and propylene glycol with food grade-flavoring)

I'm learning that not much replaces the throat hit of nicotine.  I don't like cinnamon all day, but can vape it now and then.  I can do menthol fruits, but i get tired of them.  Now I'm getting joose with a few drops of grain in them.  Seems to make my brain happier.  I'll try it for a few days and see what happens.

As for my go-to e-cig, I'm still using the standard Torn-eGo 510 (joye 510 1000mah) with a gooseneck and marbled driptip, and of course, cisco LR atomizers.

If all of that confuses you, go to http://www.vapetv.com/ for a chat or to watch recorded shows, http://www.flitzanu.com/ for info and contacts and links, or look up Mainely Vapor on YouTube.  The vaping community is always there to help and inform.  They're a great bunch of people.  And VaperCon is coming up in October in Virginia.  The countdown begins...

**disengage rambling early tonight**  I'm going to try and sleep at a decent time tonight.  I have my 2 week pre-surg appointment with the surgeon tomorrow morning.  I'm nervous and weird and having regrets that I'm not adopted...or wishing my family would tell me that I am....I'm old enough to be happy about it now...

Backstory: What's a VSG...

On May 23rd, 2011, I am going to have 6 incisions made in my abdomen.  The docs are going to shove a drain tube in my side, cut and suture my stomach from valve to valve, and remove the curve of my stomach.  Essentially this leaves me with a banana shaped/sized stomach (which is ironic, since i hate banananananas).  This, my friends, is a Vertical Gastric Sleeve (VGS) or a Vertical Sleeve Gastrecetomy (VSG).  I'm doing this for a number of reasons.  Mostly because I'm tired of carrying around so much excess weight.  Partly because I have stomach polyps that could result in malignant cancer if left unchecked.  Partly because of my arthritis that has settled into my lower spine. My sister would say I'm doing this because I'm an attention-whore... but my lovely family is being saved for a whole 'nother set of posts!

This is not a gastric bypass.  There is no re-routing of plumbing.  Food goes in and comes out of the stomach normally, it just doesn't have as much space to dance around on the way through.  This is considered major surgery.  Very few people in my life know what I'm having done.  My family is not supportive, never has been, so they do not know.  Most of my co-workers do not know.  The hubby and the kids know, and are crazy-supportive.

I don't want to be judged based on this decision.  I'm already judging myself.  I can't lose weight on my own, so I'm resorting to surgery.  This isn't the easy way.  Months of testing and poking and prodding and classes and food journals.  I have to give up caffeine, nicotine, and sugars.  I need to start sweating, on purpose, while not on a piece of furniture with the hubby.  But I think i need this.

Since Feb 16th (my consultation with the surgeon) I am down 20 lbs.  I have insane amounts of knowledge about protein and nutrition.  I am learning how to make pureed baby-food-like-meals.  I passed my written Nutrition/Life class last night with a 100%.  I just wish I had more people to celebrate these small victories with.

...wow, that must have been the attention-whore thing my sister talks about.

It should be painful....

Stupid people should wear shock collars....or there should be an automatic electrical response in the brain that forces them into a seizure.  And I should not have to be surrounded by them.... I mean, I have my stupid moments where i deserve a few thousand volts myself (bzzzzzzzshrrrrrt....sorry, that wont happen again) but all the time?!?!  Really?!?!?  Please refrain from the following:

"Did that hurt?"  ...doesn't matter what yer referring to.  The answer is yes.  Piercings and tattoos hurt.  Next!
"What does that mean?"  ...life is not Miami Ink.  Not everything has a big, emotional story attached to it.  And if it does, I don't have to spill my life info to you.  Appreciate the scenery and move on.  Next!
"What is that piercing for?" ...It's an experimental pressure-point procedure to keep me from having random violent outbursts...seems to be working so far... except for that one time...**mumblemumble**
"Math" ...for gods-sake, if yer bad at math, just don't try.  ie: I have to lose 10% of my weight before surgery.  Stupid response "Whats that, 80 lbs?"  Yes, f--ker.  I weigh 800 lbs.  Good math there.

Common sense is not common.  If you have it, please use it.  Example:  Woman i work with was complaining that she can't get enough things done at home with 4 10-hour work days a week.  I suggested she ask management for 10 4-hour days a week to accommodate her busy schedule.  She agreed, thanked me, and went to have a meeting with the manager...

Yep.  I'm snarky some days.  Maybe I should get my own shock collar.  I am mean sometimes, but I'm only really mean to people that have no idea that I'm being mean.  That makes it okay, right?  **bzzzzzzzshrrrrt**

Might as well jump in with both feet....

So, here goes the blogging effort.  First blog ever for me!  Yay!

...anyways, today starts the logging of randomness.  I'm jumping through hoops with the insurance company, work, disability, and the doctors.  Had my last pre-op blood test today, and my last nutrition class and test is tonight.  My liquid diet hangs over my head, as does the Last Supper Syndrome, but I've promised myself not to go crazy.  Friday is my "Last Supper" day and I plan to stay on course, except for one sensible-sized piece of Red Velvet cake, just to say goodbye...

Oh, you need some background info, huh?  Okay.  I have two stomach polyps that require removal.  Killing two birds with one stone, I've decided to go for a VGS surgery.  I've been toying with the idea for years, but finally got up the nerve now that my spinal arthritis has gotten bad.  I'm like an old lady weather station, gripping my back and yelling, "Pa! There's storms a-comin'!!"

So, with the VSG (as with any WLS) I now have a bajillion doctors.  I've been cleared by the pulmonologist (who said vaping was still okay), the cardiologist, and the psychologist.  I'm not sure how I got through that one, but ooookay.  My blood was drawn this morning for my eval blood testing.  Tonight is my last nutrition class and the big written test to make sure I was paying attention.  Later this week, I meet with my surgeon to go over my lovely 2 week liquids-only diet, followed by 2 days of clear fluids only before surgery.  I have also ordered clear retainers for my piercings, and started to stock up on my post-surg vitamin supplies.

I've never been this organized in my life.

So, I'm freaked out, worried, excited, dorky, and completely scared.  My nutritionist suggested blogging to get my thoughts out of my head and onto something else.  So here I am.  And, I suppose, here you are.  So welcome to my addled brain...  Grab a helmet, I have a feeling you might need it...