Well, yesterday was my birthday. With no more tube, I can now happily sleep on my side, so I slept in a little late. It was nice. I made myself a fat-free, low sugar, icing-less cake that was delicious even after I threw my 1 inch square back up...
Since the tube came out, my stomach has become more and more unhappy. I'm now averaging one surgery every 2 months since May. It's about that time. I can drink soup, water, and sometimes ice pops and iced tea. Chunky soup comes back at me. Any food I need to chew comes back at me. I do believe I'm strictured again. AGAIN.
Enter scheduling department for EGD with balloon dilation number 6bajillion or something. Going into the GI Lab at the hospital for my EGD on November 10th. Hopefully THIS one will work and i wont need some other kind of fricking surgery so i can eat like a normal gastric patient. I've given up hope on eating like a "normal person"... now I'm facing life not being able to eat. Period.
This makes me crazy. It makes me angry and sad. I am now on medication for both of these emotions. I cry and yell and wonder why the hell i ever started this. I think that dog hates me, then i remember i'm not a dog owner, dyslexic, or religious. None of the support groups have a section that i feel like i fit into. I'm no longer a sleeve patient. I'm not really a bypass patient. Maybe i just need a rubber room and a jacket with sleeves that tie in the back...
We all float down here...
I feel bad for my hubby and the kids who have to deal with me crying over their scoop of ice cream, or yelling something crazy about portion size. I'm afraid I'm going to get too used to the medication they gave me to make me "less emotional," but i need more of it right now. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry while i vomit after almost every meal. ..Tonight, i did the dishes (which is usually my son's job) because i couldn't walk away from the sink because i was horking up a bit of dinner every minute or two. I'm throwing up, i might as well do dishes... WTF?!?!
I'm overwhelmingly sad most of the time now. I am now fat and malnourished. My hair is starting to thin and fall out. My fingernails have all broken. My skin is dry. I am always dehydrated. And i have done this to myself. I'm almost at the point of professional counseling, thought i don't see what crying at strangers is going to help. So for now, more meds. Mood altering, pain numbing meds...
I don't like this ride and i wanna get off of it. I want to take my ball and go the f*ck home. But i know I'm stuck here. Stuck in this cycle. Fat and malnourished. Never would have thought of that back in February when i went to a seminar....
Since the tube came out, my stomach has become more and more unhappy. I'm now averaging one surgery every 2 months since May. It's about that time. I can drink soup, water, and sometimes ice pops and iced tea. Chunky soup comes back at me. Any food I need to chew comes back at me. I do believe I'm strictured again. AGAIN.
Enter scheduling department for EGD with balloon dilation number 6bajillion or something. Going into the GI Lab at the hospital for my EGD on November 10th. Hopefully THIS one will work and i wont need some other kind of fricking surgery so i can eat like a normal gastric patient. I've given up hope on eating like a "normal person"... now I'm facing life not being able to eat. Period.
This makes me crazy. It makes me angry and sad. I am now on medication for both of these emotions. I cry and yell and wonder why the hell i ever started this. I think that dog hates me, then i remember i'm not a dog owner, dyslexic, or religious. None of the support groups have a section that i feel like i fit into. I'm no longer a sleeve patient. I'm not really a bypass patient. Maybe i just need a rubber room and a jacket with sleeves that tie in the back...
We all float down here...
I feel bad for my hubby and the kids who have to deal with me crying over their scoop of ice cream, or yelling something crazy about portion size. I'm afraid I'm going to get too used to the medication they gave me to make me "less emotional," but i need more of it right now. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry while i vomit after almost every meal. ..Tonight, i did the dishes (which is usually my son's job) because i couldn't walk away from the sink because i was horking up a bit of dinner every minute or two. I'm throwing up, i might as well do dishes... WTF?!?!
I'm overwhelmingly sad most of the time now. I am now fat and malnourished. My hair is starting to thin and fall out. My fingernails have all broken. My skin is dry. I am always dehydrated. And i have done this to myself. I'm almost at the point of professional counseling, thought i don't see what crying at strangers is going to help. So for now, more meds. Mood altering, pain numbing meds...
I don't like this ride and i wanna get off of it. I want to take my ball and go the f*ck home. But i know I'm stuck here. Stuck in this cycle. Fat and malnourished. Never would have thought of that back in February when i went to a seminar....
I am so sorry your going through so much and hope it gets better for you soon!
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