So, today has been a sucky day for food so far. I just don't want to eat. Anything. Don't wanna. I'm not feeling too nauseaus, I'm not yarking every few minutes, and I'm not in too much pain today... I just have no desire to ingest anything. I keep finding things to do around the house so I don't have to sit down and eat anything. I've done 3 loads of laundry, picked up the boys' stuff from the living room, and even cleaned up the "mancave" around my husband's desk... I realized that I'm doing this so I figured I should probably put it into text, acknowledge, and overcome. So there it is. I have to eat. I have to make a protein shake or something. I did manage to eat two slices of cheese this morning (10g protein, yay!)... and I'm trying to keep sipping on some Crystal Light since it's about 85 degrees in the house. This is just really hard today. I'm not hurting too bad, so why can't I just suck it up and eat something already?? Gah!!
Anywho, one of the more ironic parts of the whole food situation is I am a baker. I've been on disability since May 2011 and I'm not allowed to go back to work until we get this whole nutrition/vomiting thing under control. So to supplement my sad little disability check, I've been exchanging baked good for donations towards my medical bills. I used to send out noms now and then to friends just as a simple gift. Some of my friends thought that I should get paid for my work and started dropping money into my PayPal account, especially since they know all about my medical stuffs and work situation. They shared baked goods I had sent and they told people... who then told more people... who then told more people... And now I am sending out, on average, 4 packages a day of baked goods. I'm rather famous (infamous) in our ever expanding social circle. I've been dubbed The Queen of Noms. The Cupcake Lady.
I can't eat a cupcake. They make me violently ill for hours on end. I have days, like today, where I absolutely abhor food. Today, I mailed out 8 dozen tiny pies, 3 dozen cupcakes, and assorted truffles, muffins and chocolates to 6 different states. I am constantly surrounded by food that used to talk to me. Cupcakes all knew my name and yelled very loudly from the kitchen. Chocolate pies were a weakness. Chocolate was my fatgirl crack. Now I have to have someone else home when I bake because I can't even taste the frostings I make to check them, they might make me sick. My tolerance seems to be right around 7g of sugar at a time. The difference between yummy and ohmygodimgonnadie is somewhere between 5 and 6 jellybeans.
Like I've said before, I use the MyFitnessPal program on my phone to track my intake and make sure I'm getting enough protein and water in every day. I occasionally read through some of the forums there, or poke through my friends' food logs just to live vicariously though other people's food. Sometimes it makes me jealous. Sometimes it just makes me sad. I miss food. Even when I hate food, I still miss it. Food was like my long term abusive boyfriend. It hurt me physically and emotionally, It complicated my life, It even made me hate myself sometimes. But I loved it. And even now, knowing the havoc that food brought into my life, I still mourn my loss.
Now that food is no longer my addiction, I have become the dealer. I am the supplier. I am the pusher. I am causing dietary havoc in the lives of people I like. Watching the mailman cart off the 6 outgoing packages of noms today left me with a twinge of guilt. I feel bad for selling cupcakes. How silly is that?
A protein shake will not assuage my guilt, but it will give me the fuel I need to keep rolling along as the Baking Machine. I will keep supplying the demand... My guilt is still overwhelming somedays, but I have to admit, when one guy raved on and on about the triple chocolate donuts I sent to him, and how they were fantastic and sooo much better than any other donut he's ever had, I still didn't tell him that they were baked and not fried... and made with pumpkin puree instead of eggs and oil... I just smiled and said thank you. ...occasionally I send out low fat, low sugar noms without telling people.
I'm not a horrible person all of the time...
Anywho, one of the more ironic parts of the whole food situation is I am a baker. I've been on disability since May 2011 and I'm not allowed to go back to work until we get this whole nutrition/vomiting thing under control. So to supplement my sad little disability check, I've been exchanging baked good for donations towards my medical bills. I used to send out noms now and then to friends just as a simple gift. Some of my friends thought that I should get paid for my work and started dropping money into my PayPal account, especially since they know all about my medical stuffs and work situation. They shared baked goods I had sent and they told people... who then told more people... who then told more people... And now I am sending out, on average, 4 packages a day of baked goods. I'm rather famous (infamous) in our ever expanding social circle. I've been dubbed The Queen of Noms. The Cupcake Lady.
I can't eat a cupcake. They make me violently ill for hours on end. I have days, like today, where I absolutely abhor food. Today, I mailed out 8 dozen tiny pies, 3 dozen cupcakes, and assorted truffles, muffins and chocolates to 6 different states. I am constantly surrounded by food that used to talk to me. Cupcakes all knew my name and yelled very loudly from the kitchen. Chocolate pies were a weakness. Chocolate was my fatgirl crack. Now I have to have someone else home when I bake because I can't even taste the frostings I make to check them, they might make me sick. My tolerance seems to be right around 7g of sugar at a time. The difference between yummy and ohmygodimgonnadie is somewhere between 5 and 6 jellybeans.
Like I've said before, I use the MyFitnessPal program on my phone to track my intake and make sure I'm getting enough protein and water in every day. I occasionally read through some of the forums there, or poke through my friends' food logs just to live vicariously though other people's food. Sometimes it makes me jealous. Sometimes it just makes me sad. I miss food. Even when I hate food, I still miss it. Food was like my long term abusive boyfriend. It hurt me physically and emotionally, It complicated my life, It even made me hate myself sometimes. But I loved it. And even now, knowing the havoc that food brought into my life, I still mourn my loss.
Now that food is no longer my addiction, I have become the dealer. I am the supplier. I am the pusher. I am causing dietary havoc in the lives of people I like. Watching the mailman cart off the 6 outgoing packages of noms today left me with a twinge of guilt. I feel bad for selling cupcakes. How silly is that?
A protein shake will not assuage my guilt, but it will give me the fuel I need to keep rolling along as the Baking Machine. I will keep supplying the demand... My guilt is still overwhelming somedays, but I have to admit, when one guy raved on and on about the triple chocolate donuts I sent to him, and how they were fantastic and sooo much better than any other donut he's ever had, I still didn't tell him that they were baked and not fried... and made with pumpkin puree instead of eggs and oil... I just smiled and said thank you. ...occasionally I send out low fat, low sugar noms without telling people.
I'm not a horrible person all of the time...
No comments:
Post a Comment