The past few days have been more of the same. Don't wanna eat. Have to eat. Occasional yarking. Trying to get more water in. Nothing really new.
This morning I woke up and just couldn't get myself out of bed. I knew I had to get up... I even had to pee... I just didn't feel like moving. So I just stayed there, looking up at the ceiling, talking to myself in my brain. Trying to find motivation. After a while, the hubby walked in to see if I was awake... He kissed my forehead and put his hand on my waist and promptly said "Pelvis!"... I cried.
It wasn't his fault. I'm sure he doesn't believe that it wasn't his fault. I've been having issues with what I see in the mirror for a long time. But all at once, my new boniness hit me. I can feel my ribcage and my pelvis when I lie down. I can feel my pointy pelvic bones when I sit on a hard chair. I can feel the cords in my legs behind my knees and at the top of my thighs. I can see my clavicles and feel the divots in my shoulders. I can see the cords in my knuckles instead of the fat little dimples that used to be there.
When I was 400+ pounds, I didn't much like what I saw in the mirror. At times, I still see the same fatgirl in the mirror that I saw back then. But now nothing feels the same. I still feel fat, but now I'm fat and bony at the same time. That doesn't make much sense to me, but I don't like it.
I was never really good at accepting compliments. My family taught me that there's some kind of snark behind every nice word. I haven't quite unlearned that. Now when someone says how good I look now, or something about how I've lost so much weight, I just want to scream. Don't you see how horrible this is? I'm lumpy and bony and weird now! I hate it! WTF?
I guess I'm just having a pityparty kind of day. I read through the archives on WeightySecrets.com and commiserated with many of them. I know how they feel. I never expected the whole WLS thing to be "easy"... I just didn't know how much harder this would be than just being fat.
When I was fat, I had no comorbidities. My blood pressure was a little high now and then, but nothing too bad. I had no sleep apnea, no diabetes, no cholesterol problems... none of the usual suspects. I was just fat, so I got tired easily and I would sweat more than your average thinner person. I gave all that up for this. This lifetime of being borderline anorexic. A lifetime of constantly watching and planning my food and water intake. A lifetime of vitamin and mineral supplements, protein supplements, constant nausea, dehydration, and clothes never fitting for more than a week.
I can't undo it. I can only carry on. I'm trying to stay positive and do that "tomorrow will be better" thing, but damn, when is my tomorrow?
This morning I woke up and just couldn't get myself out of bed. I knew I had to get up... I even had to pee... I just didn't feel like moving. So I just stayed there, looking up at the ceiling, talking to myself in my brain. Trying to find motivation. After a while, the hubby walked in to see if I was awake... He kissed my forehead and put his hand on my waist and promptly said "Pelvis!"... I cried.
It wasn't his fault. I'm sure he doesn't believe that it wasn't his fault. I've been having issues with what I see in the mirror for a long time. But all at once, my new boniness hit me. I can feel my ribcage and my pelvis when I lie down. I can feel my pointy pelvic bones when I sit on a hard chair. I can feel the cords in my legs behind my knees and at the top of my thighs. I can see my clavicles and feel the divots in my shoulders. I can see the cords in my knuckles instead of the fat little dimples that used to be there.
When I was 400+ pounds, I didn't much like what I saw in the mirror. At times, I still see the same fatgirl in the mirror that I saw back then. But now nothing feels the same. I still feel fat, but now I'm fat and bony at the same time. That doesn't make much sense to me, but I don't like it.
I was never really good at accepting compliments. My family taught me that there's some kind of snark behind every nice word. I haven't quite unlearned that. Now when someone says how good I look now, or something about how I've lost so much weight, I just want to scream. Don't you see how horrible this is? I'm lumpy and bony and weird now! I hate it! WTF?
I guess I'm just having a pityparty kind of day. I read through the archives on WeightySecrets.com and commiserated with many of them. I know how they feel. I never expected the whole WLS thing to be "easy"... I just didn't know how much harder this would be than just being fat.
When I was fat, I had no comorbidities. My blood pressure was a little high now and then, but nothing too bad. I had no sleep apnea, no diabetes, no cholesterol problems... none of the usual suspects. I was just fat, so I got tired easily and I would sweat more than your average thinner person. I gave all that up for this. This lifetime of being borderline anorexic. A lifetime of constantly watching and planning my food and water intake. A lifetime of vitamin and mineral supplements, protein supplements, constant nausea, dehydration, and clothes never fitting for more than a week.
I can't undo it. I can only carry on. I'm trying to stay positive and do that "tomorrow will be better" thing, but damn, when is my tomorrow?
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