So... Next Thursday is my Radiology test... I'm scheduled for an upper GI with small bowel follow through. Another "drink this gross stuff and we'll watch you digest it" kind of thing. Oh, yay! Can't wait for that...
On a positive note, Yesterday I was brave and ventured into new clothing territories... I found out that size 14 jeans are comfy. Not even tight... might be into a 12 sooner than I though. Of course I only bought one pair of 14 jeans, but hey, they fit. I got brave enough to finally buy new drawers (panties or underthings, for those of you more delicately inclined). No more size 8s, hello size 6! I also got a few sportsbra options since I'm supposed to be moving and shaking a bit more on days when I'm not so pukey. I'm not sure I can get used to this one... It feels like someone's hugging me constantly. It does make me stand up a bit straighter, but I'm getting claustrophobic or something. I'm so used to wearing clothes from 140 lbs ago, that stuff that actually fits right makes me uncomfortable.
I found some sleevers on MyFitnessPal, so now I get to read other people's food diaries that are a bit closer to my own, though I still get jealous of people recording that they ate a cheeseburger or a whole sandwich. I'm still in mourning over bread. I miss bread. Not so much the sweets, like I thought I would. I miss bread... sandwiches and toast and rolls and a big slab of homemade bread, warm with butter... Yeah. I miss bread most of all. Ooooh, and ice cream. Ice cream was a go-to therapy kind of thing. Now one or two babyspoons of ice cream makes me sick for hours. Dumping sucks.
I've stayed off of the sleever boards for a few days since I've been angry and depressed. I understand that this "journey" is different for everyone, but the boohoo-poorme posts enrage me sometimes. "Poor me, I ate a whole pizza today!" "Poor me, I only lost 12 lbs last month!" Makes me want to smoosh their nose into my blog like a dog that pooped on the carpet. "Poor me, I lost all of my stomach, most of my small intestines, and I've been on liquids and mushy food for almost a year!!" Dammit. I know, not very sensitive of me, that's why I don't respond to those posts. Not everyone deals well with my snarky kind of insight. I have come to accept that. And I do have my own Poor-Me days, so I guess I don't have much room to talk.
I'm not dead. I'm not back on a feeding tube, or a PICC line for my nutrition. I'm not flayed open in the hospital waiting for a staph infection to be cured. I'm not 400 lbs. It could always be worse. I have to keep remembering that. That helped me get out (or at least partially out) of that big depression I've been going back and forth with these past few months. It could always be worse.
So, there's my insightful advice for you. This sucks. Pureed food sucks. Puking sucks. Feeling lethargic and malnourished sucks. Loose skin sucks. Scars suck. Abdominal pain sucks. Not being able to eat what you want, or drink what you want, WHEN you want it sucks. But, it could always be worse...
*knock on wood that I didn't just jinx something*
On a positive note, Yesterday I was brave and ventured into new clothing territories... I found out that size 14 jeans are comfy. Not even tight... might be into a 12 sooner than I though. Of course I only bought one pair of 14 jeans, but hey, they fit. I got brave enough to finally buy new drawers (panties or underthings, for those of you more delicately inclined). No more size 8s, hello size 6! I also got a few sportsbra options since I'm supposed to be moving and shaking a bit more on days when I'm not so pukey. I'm not sure I can get used to this one... It feels like someone's hugging me constantly. It does make me stand up a bit straighter, but I'm getting claustrophobic or something. I'm so used to wearing clothes from 140 lbs ago, that stuff that actually fits right makes me uncomfortable.
I found some sleevers on MyFitnessPal, so now I get to read other people's food diaries that are a bit closer to my own, though I still get jealous of people recording that they ate a cheeseburger or a whole sandwich. I'm still in mourning over bread. I miss bread. Not so much the sweets, like I thought I would. I miss bread... sandwiches and toast and rolls and a big slab of homemade bread, warm with butter... Yeah. I miss bread most of all. Ooooh, and ice cream. Ice cream was a go-to therapy kind of thing. Now one or two babyspoons of ice cream makes me sick for hours. Dumping sucks.
I've stayed off of the sleever boards for a few days since I've been angry and depressed. I understand that this "journey" is different for everyone, but the boohoo-poorme posts enrage me sometimes. "Poor me, I ate a whole pizza today!" "Poor me, I only lost 12 lbs last month!" Makes me want to smoosh their nose into my blog like a dog that pooped on the carpet. "Poor me, I lost all of my stomach, most of my small intestines, and I've been on liquids and mushy food for almost a year!!" Dammit. I know, not very sensitive of me, that's why I don't respond to those posts. Not everyone deals well with my snarky kind of insight. I have come to accept that. And I do have my own Poor-Me days, so I guess I don't have much room to talk.
I'm not dead. I'm not back on a feeding tube, or a PICC line for my nutrition. I'm not flayed open in the hospital waiting for a staph infection to be cured. I'm not 400 lbs. It could always be worse. I have to keep remembering that. That helped me get out (or at least partially out) of that big depression I've been going back and forth with these past few months. It could always be worse.
So, there's my insightful advice for you. This sucks. Pureed food sucks. Puking sucks. Feeling lethargic and malnourished sucks. Loose skin sucks. Scars suck. Abdominal pain sucks. Not being able to eat what you want, or drink what you want, WHEN you want it sucks. But, it could always be worse...
*knock on wood that I didn't just jinx something*
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