Sooo... about a week after my last dilation and I'm attempting a few new things. I actually kept down half a Quest protein bar this morning... Hooray, solids! Well, sort of solids... I warmed it up so it wouldn't be too chewy. If you haven't tried the Quest bars yet, you should. They're expensive and only available online, but damn, they're yummy. And you can stuff them in yer pocket for a few minutes to warm and soften them... Mmmm, butt-warmed protein bars... Seriously, though, they're one of the few protein supplements that don't taste like protein. I only wish the new "all-natural" line didn't have stevia in them. I'm allergic to stevia. But the original line of Quest flavors are sweetened with sucralose and have no sugar alcohols at all. None! That makes for a happier GI tract =)
I'm still not really a fan of breakfast, but I'm trying to eat on schedule and get all my proteins in. I never really ate breakfast, I just drank coffee til noonish. Now I'm forcing myself to get at least 10g of protein in the morning. It's hard. This is all much harder than I though it would be.
I'm still having a fair amount of pain from my new stomach. Part of it is still healing... five surgeries in eight months has left me rather exhausted some days. The surgeon says I haven't had time to properly heal from any of the surgeries given my problems keeping food down. It's hard to heal a malnourished body. Makes sense. So some days I think I'm superwoman and get six loads of laundry done and pick up after the kids and get dinner made.... Then I cry on the couch for being so stupid when the pain kicks back in. Somedays I just wake up crying and turn into a couch-lump. It's all so random. I think today is going to be a couch-lump day. I hurt. My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My sides hurt. I think all the extra skin is starting to find gravity. It's a constant tugging sensation when I stand... sometimes, it pulls when I lay on my side... Next payday, I think I'm investing in some Spanx to try and control gravity a bit....
People are really starting to notice my weight loss now. The compliments are nice, but I still don't see it. There's still a 400 lb girl in my mirror. She's cute, yeah, but still really really fat. My brain hasn't caught up yet. I hope it will someday. My newly ebay'd size 20 jeans are falling off of me. I ebay'd some size 16s, figuring that I'm already losing sizes faster than i can keep up. They look so small. I know 16 is still "Plus Sized," but they look so small. I cried when I opened the box. I don't want to try them on. What if they don't fit. I know it's silly, but it's there... The brain says some foul things sometimes. What if I can never fit into a 16? What if my 20 jeans are just mislabeled? What if I start gaining weight back? My old size 26 jeans have been donated to charity... except for one pair. I can't let that last one go. Not yet.
I've had five surgeries on my abdomen. Now it's time to work on my head. My brain is not in this. My brain does not like this. Change is bad. Change is wrong. Change never works. I need to fix that. Today, I think I'll just find the mental duct tape and shut my brain up.
I'm still not really a fan of breakfast, but I'm trying to eat on schedule and get all my proteins in. I never really ate breakfast, I just drank coffee til noonish. Now I'm forcing myself to get at least 10g of protein in the morning. It's hard. This is all much harder than I though it would be.
I'm still having a fair amount of pain from my new stomach. Part of it is still healing... five surgeries in eight months has left me rather exhausted some days. The surgeon says I haven't had time to properly heal from any of the surgeries given my problems keeping food down. It's hard to heal a malnourished body. Makes sense. So some days I think I'm superwoman and get six loads of laundry done and pick up after the kids and get dinner made.... Then I cry on the couch for being so stupid when the pain kicks back in. Somedays I just wake up crying and turn into a couch-lump. It's all so random. I think today is going to be a couch-lump day. I hurt. My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My sides hurt. I think all the extra skin is starting to find gravity. It's a constant tugging sensation when I stand... sometimes, it pulls when I lay on my side... Next payday, I think I'm investing in some Spanx to try and control gravity a bit....
People are really starting to notice my weight loss now. The compliments are nice, but I still don't see it. There's still a 400 lb girl in my mirror. She's cute, yeah, but still really really fat. My brain hasn't caught up yet. I hope it will someday. My newly ebay'd size 20 jeans are falling off of me. I ebay'd some size 16s, figuring that I'm already losing sizes faster than i can keep up. They look so small. I know 16 is still "Plus Sized," but they look so small. I cried when I opened the box. I don't want to try them on. What if they don't fit. I know it's silly, but it's there... The brain says some foul things sometimes. What if I can never fit into a 16? What if my 20 jeans are just mislabeled? What if I start gaining weight back? My old size 26 jeans have been donated to charity... except for one pair. I can't let that last one go. Not yet.
I've had five surgeries on my abdomen. Now it's time to work on my head. My brain is not in this. My brain does not like this. Change is bad. Change is wrong. Change never works. I need to fix that. Today, I think I'll just find the mental duct tape and shut my brain up.
Crossing my fingers your on the mend, yay for solids!
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