What is this "Food" I keep hearing about...Ooooh! This stuff!!!

So, the EGD on the 10th successfully (so far) opened my fully sealed stoma and i have the paperwork to prove it.  I have to go back on December 1st and have another done "just to make sure".... unless it closes before that...

Anyways, yesterday i actually ate, and retained, all kinds of things.  I almost made my 80g protein goal!!  Even the protein shakes are staying down!  I never thought I'd be excited about being able to have a protein shake...

I must say, the Celebrate Vitamins brand ENS shakes have been a lifesaver!  They're protein plus calcium plus multivites all in one!  Yay, less chewables during the day!!!  The cakebatter flavored ones are pretty good mixed up with 2% milk.  I haven't tried the chocolate ones, but they're sitting on my shelf, so today might be the test, it's almost time for me to make a shake.

I'm experimenting again with different protein shake add-ins.  Malted milk powder is good, so is PB2.  I'm rather disappointed that most of the sugar-free chocolate or caramel syrups are so full of sugar alcohols.  Blech!  I need to start getting different Torani syrups to try out, so far i just have the french vanilla....

Anywho, I'm going to go make a shake and get to tracking my foods for the day.  Do you use MyFitnessPal.com?  You should check it out.  Phone app FTW.  ...I sound like an advertisement today, huh?  LOL

Hrmmm... what do I feel like eating today? What tastes the same a few minutes later...

Blargh.  Hot tea stays down.  Cold water, nope.  Room temp water, sometimes.  Anything cold, nope.  Anything thicker than hot tea, nope...

And, in new developments, I now have a burning stabbing pain in my right abdomen, a little lower than where my PEJ incision is.  It's just a constant background pain right now, but every now and again it flares up to an eye-watering level. Yay...?

*bitch and moan* 

...yeah, I got nothing else besides complaints today.  I feel horrible all around.  Someone on the boards pointed out that I've lost a lot of weight already and someday I'll think this was all worth it.  No.  No, I won't.  This has sucked, and according to my surgeon, will continue to suck.  If i could go back in time, I would bitchslap myself out of that February informational seminar.

I have to go get an EGD scope with a balloon dilation in two days (the 10th).  I'm afraid they'll keep me in the hospital.  I'm horribly dehydrated and in quite a bit of pain..  Though, on the bright side, I only have to pee once a day... Is that a bright side?  Think of how much time you all waste in the bathroom.  Ha! Not me!

Enough complaining, I'm going to go drink the rest of my tea and try to keep it down.  That takes effort, can't multitask... Thanks for understanding  =)

What did you get for your birthday?!?! I got a new stricture!

Well, yesterday was my birthday. With no more tube, I can now happily sleep on my side, so I slept in a little late.  It was nice.  I made myself a fat-free, low sugar, icing-less cake that was delicious even after I threw my 1 inch square back up...

Since the tube came out, my stomach has become more and more unhappy.  I'm now averaging one surgery every 2 months since May.  It's about that time.  I can drink soup, water, and sometimes ice pops and iced tea.  Chunky soup comes back at me. Any food I need to chew comes back at me.  I do believe I'm strictured again.  AGAIN.

Enter scheduling department for EGD with balloon dilation number 6bajillion or something.  Going into the GI Lab at the hospital for my EGD on November 10th.  Hopefully THIS one will work and i wont need some other kind of fricking surgery so i can eat like a normal gastric patient.  I've given up hope on eating like a "normal person"... now I'm facing life not being able to eat.  Period. 

This makes me crazy.  It makes me angry and sad.  I am now on medication for both of these emotions. I cry and yell and wonder why the hell i ever started this.  I think that dog hates me, then i remember i'm not a dog owner, dyslexic, or religious.  None of the support groups have a section that i feel like i fit into.  I'm no longer a sleeve patient.  I'm not really a bypass patient.  Maybe i just need a rubber room and a jacket with sleeves that tie in the back...

We all float down here...

I feel bad for my hubby and the kids who have to deal with me crying over their scoop of ice cream, or yelling something crazy about portion size.  I'm afraid I'm going to get too used to the medication they gave me to make me "less emotional," but i need more of it right now.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I cry while i vomit after almost every meal. ..Tonight, i did the dishes (which is usually my son's job) because i couldn't walk away from the sink because i was horking up a bit of dinner every minute or two.  I'm throwing up, i might as well do dishes... WTF?!?!

I'm overwhelmingly sad most of the time now.  I am now fat and malnourished.  My hair is starting to thin and fall out.  My fingernails have all broken.  My skin is dry.  I am always dehydrated.  And i have done this to myself.  I'm almost at the point of professional counseling, thought i don't see what crying at strangers is going to help.  So for now, more meds.  Mood altering, pain numbing meds...

I don't like this ride and i wanna get off of it.  I want to take my ball and go the f*ck home.  But i know I'm stuck here.  Stuck in this cycle.  Fat and malnourished.  Never would have thought of that back in February when i went to a seminar....

Buhbye PEJ... You friggin' piece of crapulence...

On October 26th I was schedule to have my PEJ removed at my surgeon's office.  He said it wasn't a big deal... kind of like having a drain tube removed, but it hurts more.  Hurts more?  A lot more?  Oh, well, it depends on the person...

Sure.  Of course.  It hurts more.

After a month of pinching and pulling and struggling with the PEJ tube seepage, I was ready for some pain to get it out.  My lovely sister was designated as my chauffeur for this appointment.  I tried to tell her it was okay if she stayed in the waiting room.  She insisted on going in with me.  Muahahahahaha.... ahem. 

Anyway, It was over fairly quickly.  The surgeon had me lay down on the table and removed the stitches that held the PEJ in place.  He commented on how well i had taken care of the site, and that it was clean and looked really nice.  The doc removed 2 syringes worth of saline from the port marked "BALLOON" on my chickenfoot tube end.  The doc explained that I was to take a deep breath and as I exhaled, he would remove the tube.  I explained to him that if it DID hurt more than having the drain tube taken out, there was a definite possibility of me having a brief moment of  uncontrollable Tourette's.  He laughed and said he fully expected it.

My sister was seated at the foot of the table.  I told her i was closing my eyes and suggested she leave the room.  She assured me she was okay.

I took a deep breath and  *FOOM*! HOLYCRAPMONKIES! MOTHERFLETCHER! CHEESEANDCRACKERS!  The tube was out. One good continuous yank.  Man, he was not kidding about the pain.  The site was cleaned up and bandaged as he told me that t would definitely seep for a few days until the hole sealed itself.  Then he showed me the tube that I had grown to despise so much... He inflated the balloon at the end and told me where it was positioned and why it tends to be so painful for everyone.  Ok, makes sense.  *whew* Glad that's over...

...and that's when i noticed my sister was white as a sheet.  I swear, the woman is 6 years older than me, and i had to keep checking on her all day.  Are you ok?  Not gonna pass out?  She still yells at me about having nightmares about tubes.  ...sheesh, it's not like it was stuck in her gut for a month.  Sissylala... Now she's mad at me and refuses to go to any doctor appointments with me....  *rolls eyes*