I'm so horrible at keeping up with this blog. I have been sucked into playing Minecraft on a private server with a few of my fellow vapers (e-cig enthusiasts), so I've been wasting time digging holes and building a homestead. Well, when I'm able to sit at the desk anyways...
Not much has changed. I'm still playing paperwork bingo with the specialist at HUP (Hospital of the University of Penn) and waiting for his office to call. They have to review my file and decide if they want to accept my case. My surgeon seems to think that possibly someone outside of his local network may be able to think outside of the box. I'm hopeful, but very pessimistically so. I'm not very up and cheery lately. I'm just getting downright tired of feeling so awful.
I still have the random rubberband twang feeling going on. Sometimes it's just a little twitch, other times it leaves me curled up in the fetal position. I never know when it's going to get to that point. It doesn't seem to coincide much with eating or drinking, though eating solids can make it a little worse. Any kind of physical activity seems to make it act up a bit. But there are times where I'm just being a couchlump and it will decide to say hello and kick my arse...
I called the surgeon's refill hotline today to get my pain meds refilled. If the pharmacy has to order them, it'll take me two days to get them. I have to wait two days to go pick up the Rx since my meds are of a narcotic origin, so now I'm in a panic about running out of meds. I know I can ration myself and make it through, but being low on meds makes my OCD act up and makes me slightly paranoid. I still don't like taking pain meds, but they make my stomach accept foods and liquids a little better. More meds = less pukey. Less pukey is definitely a good thing.
I'm still bringing back about 50% of my intake, but most things stay down on the second or third try. Protein shakes have been my staple. I'm still not very brave about solid food. I miss it sometimes, but solids are more of a hassle and cause more pain when they come back. It's just easier to drink a protein shake...
Friday night I had my second experience with intestinal impaction. I swear this is what is going to end up killing me. I had no abdominal cramps or bloating like I did last time, so the impaction caught me completely by surprise. It must have taken me at least an hour to get that cleared up, so I've just been exhausted all weekend. It's amazing how tiring pooping can be. There, I said it. Though everything is tiring when you average 600 calories on a good day.
I'm starting to think I'm just stuck like this. Possibly I did something so horrible and heinous that this is my karma payback. I wish I could figure out what I did... The negative thoughts are getting harder and harder to ignore. I'm afraid I'm going to be wallowing in my own self pity soon. I'm trying to avoid that. I know that no good can come out of it, but it's just getting to me. Maybe I'll go out this week and get myself a bouquet of balloons so I can have a proper pity party and get it out of my system...
Not much has changed. I'm still playing paperwork bingo with the specialist at HUP (Hospital of the University of Penn) and waiting for his office to call. They have to review my file and decide if they want to accept my case. My surgeon seems to think that possibly someone outside of his local network may be able to think outside of the box. I'm hopeful, but very pessimistically so. I'm not very up and cheery lately. I'm just getting downright tired of feeling so awful.
I still have the random rubberband twang feeling going on. Sometimes it's just a little twitch, other times it leaves me curled up in the fetal position. I never know when it's going to get to that point. It doesn't seem to coincide much with eating or drinking, though eating solids can make it a little worse. Any kind of physical activity seems to make it act up a bit. But there are times where I'm just being a couchlump and it will decide to say hello and kick my arse...
I called the surgeon's refill hotline today to get my pain meds refilled. If the pharmacy has to order them, it'll take me two days to get them. I have to wait two days to go pick up the Rx since my meds are of a narcotic origin, so now I'm in a panic about running out of meds. I know I can ration myself and make it through, but being low on meds makes my OCD act up and makes me slightly paranoid. I still don't like taking pain meds, but they make my stomach accept foods and liquids a little better. More meds = less pukey. Less pukey is definitely a good thing.
I'm still bringing back about 50% of my intake, but most things stay down on the second or third try. Protein shakes have been my staple. I'm still not very brave about solid food. I miss it sometimes, but solids are more of a hassle and cause more pain when they come back. It's just easier to drink a protein shake...
Friday night I had my second experience with intestinal impaction. I swear this is what is going to end up killing me. I had no abdominal cramps or bloating like I did last time, so the impaction caught me completely by surprise. It must have taken me at least an hour to get that cleared up, so I've just been exhausted all weekend. It's amazing how tiring pooping can be. There, I said it. Though everything is tiring when you average 600 calories on a good day.
I'm starting to think I'm just stuck like this. Possibly I did something so horrible and heinous that this is my karma payback. I wish I could figure out what I did... The negative thoughts are getting harder and harder to ignore. I'm afraid I'm going to be wallowing in my own self pity soon. I'm trying to avoid that. I know that no good can come out of it, but it's just getting to me. Maybe I'll go out this week and get myself a bouquet of balloons so I can have a proper pity party and get it out of my system...
:*(
ReplyDeleteSo - admitidly, I don't know you WELL. Outside of our blogs and MFP, I could say I don't know you at all. But I still can't imagine that you have done anything for Karma to come at you this bad! Bad things happen to good people... cliche' but true.
Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I think it may be time. I will never stop seeing mine again - even if I'm checking in with him monthly for him to tell me I don't need to be there. It's helpful to talk to someone and not be afraid that judgement will be coming with their next words. It can be freeing.
I'm trying to avoid therapy. I have enough docs as it is. I'm getting good at muddling through, but I have a feeling that might change by the end of the year. My husband makes sure to keep me in check, and I'm sure when (at this point it's WHEN, not IF)it gets to the point that I can't climb out of that hole on my own, I will definitely go find some help. For now, I just allow myself to have a pouty day now and then...
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