/rant
Preparing for a roadtrip has never been really easy for me. I stress about everything all the time. Now, with all of my restrictions and pain and medical crap, I tend to stress even more. In less than a month, we will be heading down to Virginia for a big convention. We attended the same convention last October. Most of the people that we'll see there haven't seen me in about a year.... about 180 lbs ago. Some of out closer long-distance friends have seen me a few times since then, and most have seen me in a tiny sidecam on a nightly internet show that I frequent, so it won't be a great shock about how much I've changed, but I still know I'm going to hear it. The "compliments."
"Wow! You lost SO much weight!"
"Ohmygod, you're so skinny!"
"You're tiny now!"
"Where'd the rest of you go?!?!"
"You look great! You're so thin!"
Why does this bother me so much? Out of all the crap I have to deal with, the "compliments" seem like such a no-big-deal kind of thing... but they're not to me. They get to me. Horribly. I am not tiny. I am still clinically "overweight." I am not "skinny." I have loose skin flaps that could aid in taking flight. I don't look great, I look tired and in pain. I generally feel like death warmed over, even when I'm all looped out on my meds.
Since January 2011, I have gone from a tight size 26 jeans to a currently falling off of me size 10 (constantly pulling my pants up since I haven't found a belt that I can wear comfortably). Sooner or later I'll get around to getting some size 8's and seeing if they fit yet. My tshirts have gone from a men's 4x to a men's medium (though I still wear a large most of the time). I understand that I look different. The human-nature thing to do is to point these things out. Most people think they're being nice. Sometimes I think I'm the only person on earth that doesn't like compliments. Maybe I'm just being a jerk. Maybe I just never got enough compliments before to feel comfortable with them...
Then you have the not so nice ones.
"You're losing too much weight."
"When are you going to stop losing weight?"
"Aren't your doctors concerned that you're so skinny now?"
"You're going to start looking malnourished soon."
*sigh*
And of course, you have the inquisitive complimenters....
"Wow! How did you lose so much weight so fast?"
"What kind of diet are you on?"
...etc
Some days I just tell people that I do a high-protein, low carb thing. Some days I explain that it's all due to medical complications. Bad days just make me say "cancer" and walk away. I don't think anyone deserves and explanation. If they mattered to me, they'd already know. Sometimes I just feel like a jerk after answering questions, so I give the quick reflex answer to nip the conversation short.
Some of the worst conversations start while I'm in the waiting room at my surgeon's office. Some chipper, hopeful pre-op decides I look approachable and starts asking me about my "weight loss journey." I hate that phrase. I tell them about my sleeve and my complications, I try and point out that I'm the 0.001% and I'm not badmouthing the procedure, but inevitably I walk away from a much less chipper, frightened looking pre-op. And again, I feel like a jerk.
But I digress... back to the road trip. I'm planning my snacks for the week, rationing out meds, making sure I have enough protein shakes, looking into buying some ready-to-drink shakes just to have an easy option on hand. I'm packing clothes and making sure the kids will be stocked up with groceries and a freezer full of fast meal options... the whole time dreading it. I know I'm going to have to listen to three days of "compliments" that just kill me.
It would be so much easier to be a hermit.
And reading back on this, it seems like such a petty, stupid thing. I guess I'm just trying to rationalize it to myself, and hopefully someone out there can relate.
I wish people would just shut up.
I'm more self conscious now than I was at over 400 lbs. I'm much more critical of my own flaws. I have a hard time seeing myself as a post-op. The mirror and my brain do not hold the same image for me. I have heard that this is normal and it take a while for the brain to catch up. I hope it does catch up.... eventually.
/endrant
Preparing for a roadtrip has never been really easy for me. I stress about everything all the time. Now, with all of my restrictions and pain and medical crap, I tend to stress even more. In less than a month, we will be heading down to Virginia for a big convention. We attended the same convention last October. Most of the people that we'll see there haven't seen me in about a year.... about 180 lbs ago. Some of out closer long-distance friends have seen me a few times since then, and most have seen me in a tiny sidecam on a nightly internet show that I frequent, so it won't be a great shock about how much I've changed, but I still know I'm going to hear it. The "compliments."
"Wow! You lost SO much weight!"
"Ohmygod, you're so skinny!"
"You're tiny now!"
"Where'd the rest of you go?!?!"
"You look great! You're so thin!"
Why does this bother me so much? Out of all the crap I have to deal with, the "compliments" seem like such a no-big-deal kind of thing... but they're not to me. They get to me. Horribly. I am not tiny. I am still clinically "overweight." I am not "skinny." I have loose skin flaps that could aid in taking flight. I don't look great, I look tired and in pain. I generally feel like death warmed over, even when I'm all looped out on my meds.
Since January 2011, I have gone from a tight size 26 jeans to a currently falling off of me size 10 (constantly pulling my pants up since I haven't found a belt that I can wear comfortably). Sooner or later I'll get around to getting some size 8's and seeing if they fit yet. My tshirts have gone from a men's 4x to a men's medium (though I still wear a large most of the time). I understand that I look different. The human-nature thing to do is to point these things out. Most people think they're being nice. Sometimes I think I'm the only person on earth that doesn't like compliments. Maybe I'm just being a jerk. Maybe I just never got enough compliments before to feel comfortable with them...
Then you have the not so nice ones.
"You're losing too much weight."
"When are you going to stop losing weight?"
"Aren't your doctors concerned that you're so skinny now?"
"You're going to start looking malnourished soon."
*sigh*
And of course, you have the inquisitive complimenters....
"Wow! How did you lose so much weight so fast?"
"What kind of diet are you on?"
...etc
Some days I just tell people that I do a high-protein, low carb thing. Some days I explain that it's all due to medical complications. Bad days just make me say "cancer" and walk away. I don't think anyone deserves and explanation. If they mattered to me, they'd already know. Sometimes I just feel like a jerk after answering questions, so I give the quick reflex answer to nip the conversation short.
Some of the worst conversations start while I'm in the waiting room at my surgeon's office. Some chipper, hopeful pre-op decides I look approachable and starts asking me about my "weight loss journey." I hate that phrase. I tell them about my sleeve and my complications, I try and point out that I'm the 0.001% and I'm not badmouthing the procedure, but inevitably I walk away from a much less chipper, frightened looking pre-op. And again, I feel like a jerk.
But I digress... back to the road trip. I'm planning my snacks for the week, rationing out meds, making sure I have enough protein shakes, looking into buying some ready-to-drink shakes just to have an easy option on hand. I'm packing clothes and making sure the kids will be stocked up with groceries and a freezer full of fast meal options... the whole time dreading it. I know I'm going to have to listen to three days of "compliments" that just kill me.
It would be so much easier to be a hermit.
And reading back on this, it seems like such a petty, stupid thing. I guess I'm just trying to rationalize it to myself, and hopefully someone out there can relate.
I wish people would just shut up.
I'm more self conscious now than I was at over 400 lbs. I'm much more critical of my own flaws. I have a hard time seeing myself as a post-op. The mirror and my brain do not hold the same image for me. I have heard that this is normal and it take a while for the brain to catch up. I hope it does catch up.... eventually.
/endrant
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