Omnomnomnom.... *review*

So, I've always been a fan of the Quest Bars... when I can tolerate solidish foods.  Today, I just got my pre-release order of the new Cravings line from QuestProteinBar.com.  They sold the new bars for a one day, preview kinda thing.  They had a limit of one box per order, sold in boxes of 12.  The Cravings bars sold out in about 12 hours.  Luckily, I was one of the ones that got in on it.  Of course, they arrived at my door today as soon as I was finished my breakfast.  Ugh.  Had to wait a few hours before I could try them.

The usual original line of Quest bars are very firm and dense, without any kind of coating or drizzle, making them perfect for stuffing in your pocket or leaving in the car.  No melty, drippy mess even on really hot days.  The New Cravings Chocolate Crunch Bar is messy.  It comes mashed in a little plastic tray (which I assume they use to shape it) which kept most of the bars in my order in one piece.  They are super crumbly and glued together with a powdery chocolatey substance.  Rather like a loose powdery bad-for-you crunch bar.  I just turned mine over and plopped it onto a plate.

Now, as we all know with anything protein... do not judge by look and smell.  They're actually rather nommy.  I can only eat about half of one at a time, but it's not too sweet with a little bit of peanutbuttery undertones.  I'd definitely order them again once they go into mass production.  I plan on using the broken ones to add some crunchies to my sugarfree pudding or to top my Fage yogurt.  Now I'm just waiting to see what the 4g of sugar alcohols and the "minute" bit of stevia does to my system.  I have a stevia allergy that usually results in airway constriction and a weird itchy tongue feeling.  After eating half a bar, I don't have any symptoms, which is making me absolutely ecstatic.

So, overall, nommy, albeit a bit of a weird texture.  Much better for me than trying to eat a candy bar, and 20g of whey protein to add to my daily goal.  I got really brave and ordered the pre-release of the next one in the Cravings line, too.... Peanutbutter cups.  Now to stalk the mailman...

Just a rant... nothing to see here....

/rant

Preparing for a roadtrip has never been really easy for me.  I stress about everything all the time.  Now, with all of my restrictions and pain and medical crap, I tend to stress even more.  In less than a month, we will be heading down to Virginia for a big convention.  We attended the same convention last October.  Most of the people that we'll see there haven't seen me in about a year.... about 180 lbs ago.  Some of out closer long-distance friends have seen me a few times since then, and most have seen me in a tiny sidecam on a nightly internet show that I frequent, so it won't be a great shock about how much I've changed, but I still know I'm going to hear it.  The "compliments." 

"Wow!  You lost SO much weight!"
"Ohmygod, you're so skinny!"
"You're tiny now!"
"Where'd the rest of you go?!?!"
"You look great! You're so thin!"

Why does this bother me so much?  Out of all the crap I have to deal with, the "compliments" seem like such a no-big-deal kind of thing... but they're not to me.  They get to me.  Horribly.  I am not tiny.  I am still clinically "overweight."  I am not "skinny."  I have loose skin flaps that could aid in taking flight.  I don't look great, I look tired and in pain.  I generally feel like death warmed over, even when I'm all looped out on my meds. 

Since January 2011, I have gone from a tight size 26 jeans to a currently falling off of me size 10 (constantly pulling my pants up since I haven't found a belt that I can wear comfortably).  Sooner or later I'll get around to getting some size 8's and seeing if they fit yet.  My tshirts have gone from a men's 4x to a men's medium (though I still wear a large most of the time).  I understand that I look different.  The human-nature thing to do is to point these things out.  Most people think they're being nice.  Sometimes I think I'm the only person on earth that doesn't like compliments.  Maybe I'm just being a jerk.  Maybe I just never got enough compliments before to feel comfortable with them...

Then you have the not so nice ones.

"You're losing too much weight."
"When are you going to stop losing weight?"
"Aren't your doctors concerned that you're so skinny now?"
"You're going to start looking malnourished soon."

*sigh*

And of course, you have the inquisitive complimenters....

"Wow! How did you lose so much weight so fast?"
"What kind of diet are you on?"
...etc

Some days I just tell people that I do a high-protein, low carb thing.  Some days I explain that it's all due to medical complications.  Bad days just make me say "cancer" and walk away.   I don't think anyone deserves and explanation.  If they mattered to me, they'd already know.  Sometimes I just feel like a jerk after answering questions, so I give the quick reflex answer to nip the conversation short. 

Some of the worst conversations start while I'm in the waiting room at my surgeon's office.  Some chipper, hopeful pre-op decides I look approachable and starts asking me about my "weight loss journey."  I hate that phrase.  I tell them about my sleeve and my complications, I try and point out that I'm the 0.001% and I'm not badmouthing the procedure, but inevitably I walk away from a much less chipper, frightened looking pre-op.  And again, I feel like a jerk.

But I digress...  back to the road trip.  I'm planning my snacks for the week, rationing out meds, making sure I have enough protein shakes, looking into buying some ready-to-drink shakes just to have an easy option on hand.  I'm packing clothes and making sure the kids will be stocked up with groceries and a freezer full of fast meal options...  the whole time dreading it.  I know I'm going to have to listen to three days of  "compliments" that just kill me.

It would be so much easier to be a hermit.

And reading back on this, it seems like such a petty, stupid thing.  I guess I'm just trying to rationalize it to myself, and hopefully someone out there can relate. 

I wish people would just shut up. 

I'm more self conscious now than I was at over 400 lbs.  I'm much more critical of my own flaws.  I have a hard time seeing myself as a post-op.  The mirror and my brain do not hold the same image for me.  I have heard that this is normal and it take a while for the brain to catch up.  I hope it does catch up.... eventually.

/endrant

I've been shrinked!

Well, the surgeon has a good idea about what's been going on.  You see, I still have a bit of the sleeve hanging around, connected further down into my intestines, to supply a tiny bit of digestive juices.  Kind of like what they do in a normal RnY procedure, but much smaller since so many of the complications have each taken a chunk of said stomach tissue.  It's basically the remnants of the sleeving procedure.  My surgeon thinks that the small lengeth of intestines trailing from my leftover sleeve has become impassable, therefore kinking the line.  This may be causing a backup of digestive juices over a long period, thus causing my rain to always regster that I am "full" even though this bit of nonsense is no longer used as my actual "stomach."  Since the line is kinked, but not closed, the spasms will let the fluid release into my operation intestines, causing an overflow to backup into my new stomach pouch, thus causing more pain and spasms.

Okay, sounds plausible. It makes more sense once you see it on a chart and a bunch of random scribbled innards like he had when he explained it to me...

He still wants to get a gastro specialist on board, but every one he has spoken with wants to take my case on as a primary.  My surgeon does not want to give up his primary status on my case.  He said that he wants to see this through until I'm healthy.  So until we can find a specialist that will take on my case as a "consult only" position, we're still searching.  For some reason, most specialist don't want to consult, they want to take over...

Regardless, we're definitely planning another surgery, but aiming for Novemberish.  Hoping to get a specialist on board before surgery number six begins.  My instructions are still the same... heavily medicated, keep taking vitamins, keep attempting solid foods.

My diet is still mainly liquids and cheese.  For some reason cheese sits pretty well... at least it's high in protein and kind of good for me.  I'm still drinking the Syntrax Nectar Sweets protein shakes.  I got crazy and went for variety and ordered their Cappuccino flavor to go along with the Strawberry Mousse and my much beloved Double Stuffed Cookie.  Most days are still two protein shakes and random snacks in between.  On good days, I can eat an individual pack of Just The Cheese chips (Grilled Cheese flavored), or a few almonds (if I spend five minutes chewing).  Those are my solids of choice.  Meats are still not nice to me.  Very, very moist soft chicken will stay down every now and then.  I love days like today when I can eat almost a whole naked chicken nugget (they're unbreaded, roasted chicken chunks that I bake in the oven with some gravy or cream of mushroom soup).

This past Monday I went to see my new shrink.  For those of you just joining us, my stoopid new primary doctor thinks I need a shrink eval, so she won't approve a refill of my anxiety meds until I went to see a shrink.  I made an appointment with the same psychiatrist that did my pre-surg evaluation since she seemed tolerable.

The appointment went well.  I am apparently "very well ajusted and capable of dealing with things on a rational level."  We spent an hour chatting about my surgeries, my complications, my food intake, and my daily routine.  We spoke about pain management and how I'd like to get completely off of my pain meds as soon as possible.  This is when she asked if I had heard of self hypnosis to regulate pain.  What? Huh?  I can do that??  So, feeling like a complete mook, I sat there while she guided me through the process.  I must say, I felt silly sitting there with my eyes shut listening to her talk about envisioning my breath moving through my body, but it actually seemed to help.  I got pointers on how to practice doing this by myself, and sent home with a new appreciation of breathing.

I've been practicing daily at home and I think I'm getting the hang of it.  I have another appointment this coming Monday as a follow up, but the doc said I really don't NEED to continue seeing her if I don't feel it's necessary.  She said I'm dealing rather well with all of my issues, and that my sarcasm and wit are actually a good coping mechanism, and seem to be working for me.  She did suggest that I explain to future new doctors about said coping mechanism, and to try and avoid any references to jumping in front of busses, even if said in jest.

Good advise, methinks.

I'm going to go take my meds and envision my breath now.  My apologies in the update delay.  I still suck at blogging.

Yep... I'm bringing this in...

This pain chart from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ is coming with me to the surgeon's follow up appointment I have tomorrow.  I have been in extraordinary pain lately.  Every time I eat or drink or vomit, I get this vicious kicking/twanging feeling from the center of my abdomen.  It feels like something is fighting to get out!  It's progressively getting worse.  This is really beginning to wear me out.

I will be sure to post a proper update after my appointment.  I have just been couchlumping and steadily taking my pain meds for days.

*FINE PRINT:  Please go read http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ...  She is brilliant.  I hope she doesn't mind me using her poster.  I, in no way, make claim to this image or it's idea.  I borrowed it and very much appreciate the brilliance behind it.