Shut up, stoopid brain!!

So, I'm officially at the point of "what the hell did i get myself into?!?!"  I'm almost done my first day of clear liquids, and I'm just feeling defeated.  I can't do this.  It's too hard.  I'm watching the family eat dinner and then ice cream.... and dammit!  Why am i doing this?!?!?!

I'm doing this because i want to.  I have to.  I'm doing this for me.  No more whining!  (though i may still sniffle and shed a tear now and then)... I've gotten this far, there's no sense messing it up now.  If i "cheat" I'm only screwing up what I've accomplished already.  Yep, I'm sure the surgeon wont know if i have a little ice cream, but i would know.  This is my chance to change my thoughts and my habits related to my foods.

My day's rations consisted of water (hooray for Propel water), chicken bullion, sugarfree popsicles, and sugarfree jello.  I'm hungry.  It's not as much a physical hunger as i thought....but my brain wants food NOW.  My stomach is a little rumbly, but not too bad.  Farther down, though, is another story.  I do believe the roofing tar is still in production, though now it's a much thinner mix.  And all the deliveries are urgent.  TMI, I'm sure, but you wanted to read this...so there  =P

Now I'm thinking about going to bed early so i don't want to eat anything anymore.  One more day of this.  One more.  I can do this. I will do this.

My ears feel so...cheap and plasticy.....

Yet another step towards surgery... I just had all of my cranial piercings replaced with plastic spacers except for my dermals... i got the flats put back in my forehead dermals.  For some reason the doctors frown upon forehead spikes.  Luckily, the surgeon didn't object to leaving the dermals in...

Now i have to go drink my last lovely Opti-Fast shake.  Tomorrow starts clear liquids for 2 days.  I'll probably miss those shakes on Sunday... Saturday and Sunday will be filled with water and broth and sugar-free jello. 

I feel sad for me a little.  I REALLY feel sad for the people that have to put up with me...

Got my supplies.... Now what?!?

Hooray, proteins!  I started out my medically supervised diet (required by insurance) with a nutritionist.  She suggest i try some proteins and see what i liked.  The Syntha-6 shakes are rather killer.  The Vanilla Ice Cream flavor is, by far, my favorite.  I have that one, a Syntha-6 Caramel Latte, and a BSN Dessert Chocolate Fudge Pudding made by the same company.  The Isopure is for the clear liquids phase.  haven't tried them yet, but they all are supposed to taste like thin kool-aid, from what I've heard.

Vitamins, etc:  Calcium, multi-vitamin with iron, biotin, B-12, and lip balm for the hospital (i still need to get omega-3 before Sunday).  What else can i say... they're chewable.  The Bariatric Advantage calcium is expensive, but i was having trouble finding calcium citrate in chewable form.  They're chocolate flavored and not bad, a little gritty... Flintstones taste the same as ever, and the B-12's are sublingual cherry flavored.  Quick dissolving, for the win!

Supplies for the liquids/transitioning phase... Sugar-free Jello, broth, bullion, soups, packets of miso, Crystal Light, Propel mix, banana applesauce, and there's a jar of PB2 in there somewhere...and yes, they're all just rather thrown into a box.  That's how i organize...

I had this horrible feeling that i don't have enough supplies for after surgery.  After reading some posts on www.gastricsleeve.com and some blogs, looks like I'm over-stocked!  This doesn't include the two blender bottles (16oz and 20oz), the heating pad, the canned veggies (for pureeing), or the yogurt, ricotta cheese, ice cubes, chicken breast, and various other groceries and sundries...  I think I'm good now...

**Thanks to Shanna1001 from the boards for the supply picture idea!! Brilliant!**

Day 7: Death Toll Rising...

So, it's noon and I'm only on my 2nd Opti-Fast shake of the day.  I got up late.  Which means i have to stay up late to drink my quota.  **sigh**  This is my last day of Opti-Fast and honestly, I will not miss it.  It's gotten to the point that I'd rather not drink anything... No matter what flavor of shake i have, it tastes like ass.  My tongue is fuzzy.  The only prominent taste i can discern is something akin to sucking on pennies.  Welcome to ketosis.  This fuzz will not come off my tongue.  Any attempts to dislodge said fuzz only results in a stronger ass/coppery taste.  Water does not help.  Brushing teeth/tongue does not help.  I'm sure a nice greasy cheeseburger would help, but i can't have one. 

After today, it's two days of clear liquids, then nothing after midnight Sunday.  I'm reporting to the hospital by 7am on Monday for surgery.  I just hope i don't have to kill anyone by then.  My brain-hungry is getting annoying.  I don't need anything, but i WANT stupid things.  Toast.  I want toast.  Now.  But i know that anything i do wrong now will only postpone my surgery.  So here I sit.... toastless.

I'm angry.  Everyone is making me angry.  Everything is making me angry.  I am an angry, angry woman.  If i wasn't feeling so tired, i might do something irrational.  But since i have to get up every two hours to pee, i haven't gotten enough sleep to do anything crazy...

My lovely children get the most of my anger at this point.  I want the house clean before i go to the hospital.  I have teenagers.  I don't expect my house to look Better Homes & Gardens pretty, but damn, could you at least put the dishes in the sink and not pee on the floor?!?!  The oldest monster is cooking dinners now so i don't have to.  He's also doing dishes and picking up the slack for his brother.  I love him.  He's still a teenager, but he's a good one most of the time.  My youngest... well, he's just angry that I'm home from work...can't wait to get me outta here... Yeah, i love him too.

Maybe its psychosomatic, but I'm exhausted.  I have no motivation and a bajillion things to do.  But I'm soooo tired.  I tried to get my butt moving yesterday and work out a bit, and i fell asleep on the yoga ball.  I guess that was a sign.  So I'm taking it easy.  Still doing laundry and picking up after everyone, but I'm accepting the realization that the house will be messy when i get home from surgery.  As long as i have a couch to sleep upright on, i guess I'm okay with that.... and please kids, don't put dirty dishes on me while I'm sleeping...

Counting down.... Thoughts on roofing tar and family

Four days.  I'm sticking to my pre-op diet and not doing too bad.  I'm not really hungry... just dealing with the brain-hunger.  The last minute "I can't eat that for a while" thoughts are getting to me, and stupidly enough - i want a piece of toast.  No.  I WANT toast NOW.  For Pete's sake, I'm craving toast.  WTF?

My Opti-Fast shakes break down to roughly a shake every 2 hours, so I'm getting used to eating on schedule.  I'm tummy-sloshy, though.  Between the shakes and the water... blargh.

The shakes aren't too bad now that I got rid of the ebil (eeeebiiilllll) vanilla ones, though occasionally my system alerts me (sometimes a tad too late) that i now have some type of roofing tar flying out of the shipping dock.  Who knew i could make roofing tar?!?  Hrmm!  Hope that stops soon.  TMI, i know.

Anywho, I still have this weird little voice in my head that tells me I should let my parents and sister in on the surgery info.  My parents would cause me nothing but stress, and they don't need to drive an hour up here to get on my drugged-up nerves in the hospital.  My sister is angry that I'm trying to "one-up" her in the medical department.  She was in ICU for a month at the beginning of the year for gall bladder issues.  Yeah, you can have that trophy.  I do not want to one-up you.  So far as my parents/sis know, I'm having some stomach polyps removed.  This is not untrue.  I have 2 polyps in the fundus of my stomach.  They will be removed with the sleeving procedure.  See what i did there?  So, I'm entirely better off without them watching me vomit and try to walk in the hospital.  The voice in my head is crazy. It's not my usual little voice, so I'm not listening.  I don't talk to strangers or deal with terrorists...So there =P

I think today is the day I finally make my log public.  Maybe my ramblings can help someone else, or at least amuse them...  **shrugs**  i dunno.  If yer reading this, please be nice.  I'm new here...

Scrambled diet... Yer doin' it wrong...

I began my pre-op liquids on saturday.  Thankfully, my surgeon said i had done well enough in the preceeding months, i didnt need 2 weeks of liquids, just one!!  Yay!!

Saturday began with my instruction to have 7 lovely Opti-Fast medically supervised diet stuff shakes.  My flavor options were chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, chicken and tomato.  Tomato scared me, so i went with a combo of the others.

Much whining, yelling, emotional outbursts, and food-mourning ensued for the next 3 1/2 days...Now enter the nutritionist appointment...

So, i was getting used to my pre-op, finally getting over the crankies, and my nutritionist changed it all today...

I was originally on 7 Opti-Fast shakes and one frozen entree (Lean Cuiseine style) per day. (optional addition foods include sugar-free jello or chicken/beef/veggie broth)  At my appt today, the nutritionist was going over my food log and said "What?!?! Why are you eating?!?!"  I explained that it's what the surgeon's office said.  She said "Nuh-uh. They're doing it wrong."  **pout**
Now I'm on 6 Opti-Fast shakes a day and one Opti-Fast nutrition bar. Sooooo, back to the surgeon's office to buy a $21 box of bars.  I took the opportunity to trade in some of the shakes (that i bought last week) while I was there.  None of the Opti-Fast shakes are delicious, but the vanilla was
sooo off-putting to me... even with added flavor extracts.  Ewwww.  Blargh!  Just wasn't staying down.  Egads.  The chocolate is my staple now.  The best of the bunch.  And i have one strawberry shake a day, and one chicken shake a day.  Yep, i said chicken shake.  It's called chicken soup, but you can't add hot water....ergo:  chicken shake.
Anywho, the Opti-Fast chocolate peanutbutter bars are rather alot like your basic soy-protien bars.  Not great, but not bad either.  At least they're filling.
So, 3 1/2 days to go until clear fluids.  I'm stocked up on Crystal Light, Propel water, broth, sugar-free popsicles, and sugar-free Jell-o.  This isn't as bad as i thought, though the brain-hungry gets me now and then and i pout a little at my family eating dinner...(sneaky me, i planned dinners this week that i don't really enjoy..heh!).

Yay!  6 days to go...

Can you smoke pot with that?!?!

...No, asshat.  It's an electronic cigarette.  A Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System to some.  Known by many names and models, the e-cig is not yer basic overpriced mall kiosk fodder.  Oh, no.  Much, much cheaper than analog cigarettes (marble meejums for me), e-cigs turn yer bad habit into a weird hobby.

Now, because of my upcoming surgery, I have converted to vaping no-nic joose (e-cig liquid with zero nicotine).  I want my nic back.  The hubby's been making me joose to keep me happy.  I now have an assortment of creamy razberry, choconanner, and menth-addict apple.  It's so nice to have a set up where you can make yer own joose.  (Incase yer not in the loop, it's just veggie glycerin and propylene glycol with food grade-flavoring)

I'm learning that not much replaces the throat hit of nicotine.  I don't like cinnamon all day, but can vape it now and then.  I can do menthol fruits, but i get tired of them.  Now I'm getting joose with a few drops of grain in them.  Seems to make my brain happier.  I'll try it for a few days and see what happens.

As for my go-to e-cig, I'm still using the standard Torn-eGo 510 (joye 510 1000mah) with a gooseneck and marbled driptip, and of course, cisco LR atomizers.

If all of that confuses you, go to http://www.vapetv.com/ for a chat or to watch recorded shows, http://www.flitzanu.com/ for info and contacts and links, or look up Mainely Vapor on YouTube.  The vaping community is always there to help and inform.  They're a great bunch of people.  And VaperCon is coming up in October in Virginia.  The countdown begins...

**disengage rambling early tonight**  I'm going to try and sleep at a decent time tonight.  I have my 2 week pre-surg appointment with the surgeon tomorrow morning.  I'm nervous and weird and having regrets that I'm not adopted...or wishing my family would tell me that I am....I'm old enough to be happy about it now...

Backstory: What's a VSG...

On May 23rd, 2011, I am going to have 6 incisions made in my abdomen.  The docs are going to shove a drain tube in my side, cut and suture my stomach from valve to valve, and remove the curve of my stomach.  Essentially this leaves me with a banana shaped/sized stomach (which is ironic, since i hate banananananas).  This, my friends, is a Vertical Gastric Sleeve (VGS) or a Vertical Sleeve Gastrecetomy (VSG).  I'm doing this for a number of reasons.  Mostly because I'm tired of carrying around so much excess weight.  Partly because I have stomach polyps that could result in malignant cancer if left unchecked.  Partly because of my arthritis that has settled into my lower spine. My sister would say I'm doing this because I'm an attention-whore... but my lovely family is being saved for a whole 'nother set of posts!

This is not a gastric bypass.  There is no re-routing of plumbing.  Food goes in and comes out of the stomach normally, it just doesn't have as much space to dance around on the way through.  This is considered major surgery.  Very few people in my life know what I'm having done.  My family is not supportive, never has been, so they do not know.  Most of my co-workers do not know.  The hubby and the kids know, and are crazy-supportive.

I don't want to be judged based on this decision.  I'm already judging myself.  I can't lose weight on my own, so I'm resorting to surgery.  This isn't the easy way.  Months of testing and poking and prodding and classes and food journals.  I have to give up caffeine, nicotine, and sugars.  I need to start sweating, on purpose, while not on a piece of furniture with the hubby.  But I think i need this.

Since Feb 16th (my consultation with the surgeon) I am down 20 lbs.  I have insane amounts of knowledge about protein and nutrition.  I am learning how to make pureed baby-food-like-meals.  I passed my written Nutrition/Life class last night with a 100%.  I just wish I had more people to celebrate these small victories with.

...wow, that must have been the attention-whore thing my sister talks about.

It should be painful....

Stupid people should wear shock collars....or there should be an automatic electrical response in the brain that forces them into a seizure.  And I should not have to be surrounded by them.... I mean, I have my stupid moments where i deserve a few thousand volts myself (bzzzzzzzshrrrrrt....sorry, that wont happen again) but all the time?!?!  Really?!?!?  Please refrain from the following:

"Did that hurt?"  ...doesn't matter what yer referring to.  The answer is yes.  Piercings and tattoos hurt.  Next!
"What does that mean?"  ...life is not Miami Ink.  Not everything has a big, emotional story attached to it.  And if it does, I don't have to spill my life info to you.  Appreciate the scenery and move on.  Next!
"What is that piercing for?" ...It's an experimental pressure-point procedure to keep me from having random violent outbursts...seems to be working so far... except for that one time...**mumblemumble**
"Math" ...for gods-sake, if yer bad at math, just don't try.  ie: I have to lose 10% of my weight before surgery.  Stupid response "Whats that, 80 lbs?"  Yes, f--ker.  I weigh 800 lbs.  Good math there.

Common sense is not common.  If you have it, please use it.  Example:  Woman i work with was complaining that she can't get enough things done at home with 4 10-hour work days a week.  I suggested she ask management for 10 4-hour days a week to accommodate her busy schedule.  She agreed, thanked me, and went to have a meeting with the manager...

Yep.  I'm snarky some days.  Maybe I should get my own shock collar.  I am mean sometimes, but I'm only really mean to people that have no idea that I'm being mean.  That makes it okay, right?  **bzzzzzzzshrrrrt**

Might as well jump in with both feet....

So, here goes the blogging effort.  First blog ever for me!  Yay!

...anyways, today starts the logging of randomness.  I'm jumping through hoops with the insurance company, work, disability, and the doctors.  Had my last pre-op blood test today, and my last nutrition class and test is tonight.  My liquid diet hangs over my head, as does the Last Supper Syndrome, but I've promised myself not to go crazy.  Friday is my "Last Supper" day and I plan to stay on course, except for one sensible-sized piece of Red Velvet cake, just to say goodbye...

Oh, you need some background info, huh?  Okay.  I have two stomach polyps that require removal.  Killing two birds with one stone, I've decided to go for a VGS surgery.  I've been toying with the idea for years, but finally got up the nerve now that my spinal arthritis has gotten bad.  I'm like an old lady weather station, gripping my back and yelling, "Pa! There's storms a-comin'!!"

So, with the VSG (as with any WLS) I now have a bajillion doctors.  I've been cleared by the pulmonologist (who said vaping was still okay), the cardiologist, and the psychologist.  I'm not sure how I got through that one, but ooookay.  My blood was drawn this morning for my eval blood testing.  Tonight is my last nutrition class and the big written test to make sure I was paying attention.  Later this week, I meet with my surgeon to go over my lovely 2 week liquids-only diet, followed by 2 days of clear fluids only before surgery.  I have also ordered clear retainers for my piercings, and started to stock up on my post-surg vitamin supplies.

I've never been this organized in my life.

So, I'm freaked out, worried, excited, dorky, and completely scared.  My nutritionist suggested blogging to get my thoughts out of my head and onto something else.  So here I am.  And, I suppose, here you are.  So welcome to my addled brain...  Grab a helmet, I have a feeling you might need it...