Yep... I'm bringing this in...

This pain chart from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ is coming with me to the surgeon's follow up appointment I have tomorrow.  I have been in extraordinary pain lately.  Every time I eat or drink or vomit, I get this vicious kicking/twanging feeling from the center of my abdomen.  It feels like something is fighting to get out!  It's progressively getting worse.  This is really beginning to wear me out.

I will be sure to post a proper update after my appointment.  I have just been couchlumping and steadily taking my pain meds for days.

*FINE PRINT:  Please go read http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ...  She is brilliant.  I hope she doesn't mind me using her poster.  I, in no way, make claim to this image or it's idea.  I borrowed it and very much appreciate the brilliance behind it.

I Hate New Doctors...

My primary doctor has moved out of state.  I liked her.  She got me.  I needed to see a doc since I started getting these little itchy red patches above my elbows.  Most people that lose a lot of weight have skin issues from the loose skin on their abdomen.  They develop rashes and itchies where the "Abdominal apron" hangs over.  Me, I gotta be weird.  I have itchy patches from the loose armflaps hanging down.  Yeah, I know...

So yeah, sure, I'll just schedule an appointment with my old doc's replacement. 

My new primary doc is a moron.  She was nice enough, very cordial and professional.  I explained that my meds were all in non-solid form since I have no stomach tissue left.  I explained that her computer numbers were correct, and I had indeed lost about 90 pounds since my last visit in October.  I told her about the loose skin and my itchy elbows.  She thinks I have exzema.  Really?  Now she wants me to strip so she can look for other patches.  Nope, no other patches.  Just the weird "look, my loose skin hits this spot" patches.  Really, lady, I know what's doing it now how do I fix it!?!?
 
I asked for my anxiety meds to be refilled, since I haven't had them filled since October.  She asked if I was feeling depressed.  I answered with "Well, some days I want to jump in front of a bus, but luckily I'm too tired to get off of the couch."  She didn't understand my sense of humor and now wants me to go see a shrink.  She said "If I give you an Rx for 90 pills, are you sure you won't take them all at once?"  "Geez, lady.  Have you seen them?  They're in individual blister packs with paper backing, it would take me hours just to unwrap 90 of them!"   Again... she didn't get it.  So, now my medical record says that I'm SquirrelNutZipperCrazy and I need a shrink.  My last primary doc would have laughed.  I miss her.  *grumblegrumble*

I think it's time to check my insurance website and see where I can find a new primary doc with some common sense...

Meh.

Nothing really new going on over here.  I have to go to the nutritionist on Monday.  I'm so looking forward to that...  I'm still getting under 800 calories a day, my average day is about 600.  I'm still bringing back 30-50% of my intake, including liquids.  I'm still in a pretty good amount of pain.  Nothing has changed very much.

My "twanging" pain is getting a little stronger.  I can actually watch my abdomen jump sometimes.  It almost feels like a good, strong baby kick.  When I press my hand to the center of my abdomen, where my "stomach" actually is now, I can feel my heartbeat... kind of like when you sprain your ankle and it throbs every time your heart beats... Yep.  Like that.  All the time.

I'm going back to see the surgeon for a follow up on September 5th.  Until then, I'm just trying to stay medicated and keep eating.  I'm still on mostly soft foods and protein shakes.  I have figured out that I can eat almost 1/4 cup of peanuts or almonds at a time, but I have to chew incredibly well.  They always come back up, so chewing is important or it's kind of like vomiting gravel.  Ouch.  Vomiting almond butter isn't quite as bad.

I never thought that vomiting everything I eat or drink would be my "normal."   I've done this for so long that I'm used to it.  I'm surprised when food or drink DOESN'T come back up.  I've grown accustomed to my medically induced eating disorder.  I suppose sooner or later I'm going to have to face the toll that this past year has taken on my dental health... I've put that on the back burner for now.  No sense getting the damage repaired only to keep vomiting for another year...

I'm still rather down about the whole situation, but I have climbed most of the way out of my hole.  I know that there are things that need to be done, kids that need to be tended to, laundry that needs to be washed, etc.  I'm functioning pretty well on most days.  I'm still thinking about going to talk to a shrink, but I haven't convinced myself that yet another doctor would help things yet.  I'm very lucky to have a good support system in place.  My hubby and my in-laws are great, very supportive and they listen to as much as I can vent and whine.  I really don't know what I'd do without them.

So, there is my non-update update.  Nothing new to see here.  Carry on.

New Comparison Pic...

So, I decided today to update my MyFitnessPal.com profile pic since it's been quite some time.  After putting a new pic up, I got a few requests to bring back the goofy hat that I wore in my old avvie pic.  I went hunting around and dug out the raccoon hat to comply with the requests.  After putting them side by side, I think that my old pic looks better.  I miss my cute chubbiness.  This makes me kind of sad.  In less than 10 months, my face has changed so much... and I'm not sure I'm happy about it.  I put my MFP avvie back to the old pic.  The new one makes me kind of sad...

You Can't Call it a "Party" Without Balloons...

I'm so horrible at keeping up with this blog.  I have been sucked into playing Minecraft on a private server with a few of my fellow vapers (e-cig enthusiasts), so I've been wasting time digging holes and building a homestead.  Well, when I'm able to sit at the desk anyways...

Not much has changed.  I'm still playing paperwork bingo with the specialist at HUP (Hospital of the University of Penn) and waiting for his office to call.  They have to review my file and decide if they want to accept my case.  My surgeon seems to think that possibly someone outside of his local network may be able to think outside of the box.  I'm hopeful, but very pessimistically so.  I'm not very up and cheery lately.  I'm just getting downright tired of feeling so awful.

I still have the random rubberband twang feeling going on.  Sometimes it's just a little twitch, other times it leaves me curled up in the fetal position.  I never know when it's going to get to that point.  It doesn't seem to coincide much with eating or drinking, though eating solids can make it a little worse.  Any kind of physical activity seems to make it act up a bit.  But there are times where I'm just being a couchlump and it will decide to say hello and kick my arse...

I called the surgeon's refill hotline today to get my pain meds refilled.  If the pharmacy has to order them, it'll take me two days to get them.  I have to wait two days to go pick up the Rx since my meds are of a narcotic origin, so now I'm in a panic about running out of meds.  I know I can ration myself and make it through, but being low on meds makes my OCD act up and makes me slightly paranoid.  I still don't like taking pain meds, but they make my stomach accept foods and liquids a little better.  More meds = less pukey.  Less pukey is definitely a good thing.

I'm still bringing back about 50% of my intake, but most things stay down on the second or third try.  Protein shakes have been my staple.  I'm still not very brave about solid food.  I miss it sometimes, but solids are more of a hassle and cause more pain when they come back.  It's just easier to drink a protein shake...

Friday night I had my second experience with intestinal impaction.  I swear this is what is going to end up killing me.  I had no abdominal cramps or bloating like I did last time, so the impaction caught me completely by surprise.  It must have taken me at least an hour to get that cleared up, so I've just been exhausted all weekend.  It's amazing how tiring pooping can be.  There, I said it.  Though everything is tiring when you average 600 calories on a good day.

I'm starting to think I'm just stuck like this.  Possibly I did something so horrible and heinous that this is my karma payback.  I wish I could figure out what I did...  The negative thoughts are getting harder and harder to ignore.  I'm afraid I'm going to be wallowing in my own self pity soon.  I'm trying to avoid that.  I know that no good can come out of it, but it's just getting to me.  Maybe I'll go out this week and get myself a bouquet of balloons so I can have a proper pity party and get it out of my system...

I'm sooo sorry, kitteh....

So many things going on at once now, I think my head is spinning...

After the follow-up with my surgeon, he has decided to put together a think-tank of specialists from Temple University, UPenn, and Johns Hopkins to see if they can come up with new ideas.  I'm currently playing phone tag with UPenn, trying to get a consultation with one of their bariatric/GI specialists.  My surgeon has set this up as a second opinion case, not a patient transfer, so it's hard to get in to see a new doctor when the doc knows you won't be his/her permanent patient.  It took a few phone calls worth of sad, angry crying to get them to accept me as a patient without having to sit through their "required introductory seminar."  I let them know that the post-op girl puking at the back of the room may scare off prospective patients...  they finally listened.  So, now it's just a matter of signing releases, transferring paperwork, and getting all the background info up to the UPenn specialist.  Hoy...

I'm still taking my Rx vitamins and getting close to, or over, my 60g of protein a day.  My system has now suddenly decided that it no longer appreciates the thick, milkshakey texture of either Chike or Syntha-6 protein shakes.  I can't keep either one down.  Not with water, not with milk, not with almond milk, not with or without ice... Dammit.  They tasted the best out of all the protein shakes I've tried.  Fortunately, I still have a metric crap-ton of samples laying about, so I've been on the hunt for a protein shake that tastes tolerable and doesn't make me puke the whole time I'm trying to drink it.  My "stomach" has decided that Syntrax Sweets shakes are good. 

After depleting my sample supply, I decided to use up my drugstore.com dollars and order some Syntrax Sweets (in Strawberry Mousse and Double Stuffed Cookie flavors).  Thanks to my extensive time for research and my savvy shopping skills, I managed to get 2 ginormous canisters of Syntrax for about $30.  Yeah, I know.  Drugstore.com was the cheapest prices (factoring in my drugstore.com dollars) and I know they have crazy fast shipping.  Ordered 'em on Saturday, the arrived here this morning.  I had a few samples of the Strawberry Mousse (which tastes to me like the evil pink powder with the bunny on it that you mix into milk as a kid), but I went off of the rave reviews from MeltingMama.net for the Double Stuffed Cookie flavor.  Holycrapmonkies.  Seriously?  The powder itself is delicious.  Yep, it smelled so good, I licked the powder off of the peel-off seal from the top.  I'm THAT classy, I know.  Envy me.  But yeah, it still has the slight "protein" smell, but man, it's tasty.  The Syntrax Sweets (which is their candy/bakery/creamy varieties) have weird instructions, but basically one scoop in 8oz of 2% milk is my measurements.  One scoop has 23g of protein.  They mix up rather thin, which my "stomach" likes now, but they lack much of that protein-ish taste.  Of course, now I have several opened and unopened cannisters of Syntha-6 and Chike to put into storage until my stomach throws me for another weird loop...

I'm trying to "take it easy" as per doc's instructions, but I'm finding it more and more difficult to sit on my arse.  My husband yelled at me last night... he said "You just can't JUST SIT, can you?!?!"  Yeah, nope, I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of just sitting.  Though I did get a bit of a wake-up call on that.  I was moving things around in our storage room, looking for stoopid Brita filters of all things, and got myself worked up into a cleaning frenzy.  Our air conditioner was down for two days, it was hot, and what do I decided to do?  Yep, Malnourished Cleaning.  Needless to say, after about 30 minutes of sorting and organizing, moving, throwing, and cleaning up after a leaky bottle of Tide, I started feeling horrible.  I was dizzy and sweating like a maniac.  I stood up to dispose of some papertowels full of Tide, when all of the sudden I went all tunnel-ey.  You know, when your vision starts to get fuzzy and dark around the edges?  Yep.  I felt like I was falling, and my vision was going fuzzy and black.  That was it.  Scared the bejeebies outta me.  I told the youngest son to finish the last of the picking up and went promptly to the couch for a cold beverage.  Two sips of cold water later, I leaned over and puked on the cat.  I'm still apologizing to said cat.  But, needless to say, I'm not really doing much today.  I thought I was going to have a stroke or a coronary or something.  Cripes.

So, here I sit.  On my arse.  I figured since I'm not doing anything, I might as well update my blog.  And now that I think about what happened yesterday, maybe I should get up and get the cat some treats...

Yep, I have medical proof that I'm a stubborn bitch...

My visit to the Weight Management doc today didn't go as well as I thought... My blood work came back pretty bad.  I'm deficient in Vitamin D, B-12, Thiamine, and protein.  My levels are scary-low.  The doc said "The only reason you are still able to function is because you're a stubborn bitch.  I've seen better levels in ICU patients."   Keep in mind that this doc has seen me from the get-go and knows how I am, so I was not offended in the least...

I'm supposed to pay close attention to any numbness or tingling feelings, and watch for any difficulties or signs of a stroke.  Apparently malnutrition can make you more susceptible to stroke.  Great.

I got an Rx for Vitamin D 5000 IU once a week (little gelcaps) and was told to discuss my Thiamine levels with the surgeon.  I have to take twice my usual dose of B-12, and try and get more protein in.

I have a follow up with the surgeon scheduled for tomorrow, so I'll write a more in-depth post after that one.  I've got nothing quirky or snarky to add.  This kind of scares me.